Foggy Days

Ok, so my oh-so-heartfelt endeavor to keep up with this blog has not been so great.  Once my real rotations began, I just haven't had time to keep up with this.  I have written some in my journal, and I don't know why I just don't write more.  Just write more.  I think it's something I need to do, but I don't do it.  Sometimes I feel as if I'm not fully alive, and I understand that as long as I'm in this life, I won't be fully alive.  God has made it so that we're never fully comfortable and at "home" here on this earth living this life.  But sometimes I wonder if I'm just different.  I read this article about the different types of sleepers, and one of the types was someone who almost doesn't feel the difference between reality and dreams.  When I read that, I was just so like, "OMGOSH, that's me!"  I really truly almost don't know the difference between real life and dreams.  Sometimes I have really vivid dreams and sometimes my waking life is hazy like today.  Today was a foggy day, the kind of day that makes you wonder if this is real.

Currently, I'm on my oncology rotation.  It's pretty interesting, but I don't like the girl I'm doing this rotation with.  She freaking hates me even though I've done nothing to her.  Her best friend freaking hates me as well.  Her best friend is freaking evil and is the gossip queen of our class.  I really don't think she has genuinely kind bone in her body.  Of course, she feigns kindness to garner the affections of certain people and to of course get what she wants.  But is she selflessly, genuinely kind?  NO.  It's so bad that it makes me question the morality of anyone who gets close to her or thinks "she isn't that bad".  Really?  Really??  We just had our career fair, and this stupid girl freakin' ignored me.  She thinks she's so chummy with everyone.  I hate her uneven, honking voice.  I hate her maliciousness.  Anyway, I haven't been forced to deal with her so I'm not going to spend time thinking about her.  Or the people who are supposed to be my friends but aren't loyal to me because they think this evil girl is "not that bad".  I know division is something the Lord hates, but what is wrong with your friend showing a little loyalty?  I'm not saying go ignore her or anything, but should my friend be hanging out with her?  Playing tennis with her?  Texting her like she's his friend?  This girl that treats me like crap and who I've complained about numerous times should not be someone that my friend hangs out with or texts or calls.

Anyway, moving on.  One good thing was that I kept seeing this really cute guy in the pharmacy.  He works in administration.  I'm not sure if he's a pharmacist, but dang he's cute.  He held the door open for me, and I had the chance to really look at his face to see if he's cute, but I was self-conscious about my bloody eye.  Darn.  I still need to look for a ring too to make sure he's not taken.  Ugh, but I'm leaving the VA.  It's not as if this guy's going to make a move or anything.  Maybe I should just introduce myself.  Heehee.

Gettin' Serious

I realized on my last blog post that I wrote "I haven't written here in a while" and to avoid writing that again, I'll just say that I need to start getting serious about writing on here.  I do find writing very cathartic for me, and also, I just don't have a good memory.  I don't know if I can actually keep up while on this rotation because this rotation is in a small town, I'm living in someone's duplex, and therefore I do not have my own internet.  I guess it might be good to just try to write every week since I'll probably be a permanent fixture at Hasting's on the weekends to mooch off their free internet and connect to the rest of the world.

Since there's also no cable, I've been re-watching everything I have on my laptop.  That includes the entire season 6 of How I Met Your Mother, a couple episodes of GLEE, Twilight, and the pilot episode of Vampire Diaries.  In that episode, Elena and Stefan discover that they both like to write in journals.  Stefan remarks that he doesn't have the best memory and that memories are important so that's why he writes in his journal.  That to me is inspiring because those are the reasons why I need to keep up with this blog.  I do want to maybe print it out in the future as my "journal" of my pharmacy school times or whatever.  I do like the feel of having a real journal in my hand so I might just switch eventually, but for now, this is good.

Also, just watching all these episodes of HIMYM makes me wonder how this guy can recall the entire story of how he met his wife in so much detail.  I'm sure no one really can unless they kept a diary.  I do want to tell my children one day the whole story of my life, how I met their father, etc.  I'm 25, and I think I need to realize that I need to live my life instead of acting like the 65-year-old that I think I am.  This show makes me realize that the 20s and 30s of anyone's life are some of the craziest, most wonderful times in someone's life.  I guess I'm having myself a little epiphany here.  I'm having so many revelations lately.  I will endeavor to write them all down as they come.

I also watched Eat, Pray, Love because I've been sick so I stayed in bed all day yesterday.  I'm still not totally better, which is unusual, since I can get better once I just give myself a full day's rest.  Anyway, I see why women like it now.  The movie was good, and I found the message of it very pertinent and very inspiring to me.  Liz was so unhappy with her life, and she decided to change it.  She decided to search for whatever was missing in her life.  I know that part of that was a search for God.  She didn't find God and kept searching for God in all these different religions and cultures, which I didn't like, but I guess it was good that she realized He was missing in her life.  I found writers to be deeply introspective, and there is a real possibility that her search doesn't end with this.

On the other hand, some of the things she discovered about how to live life are things that God told us to do.  For example, forgiveness was a huge part of her story and is the reason why Jesus came to us.  Forgiveness is  so huge, and yet, we don't know how to do it.  We don't know how to forgive others and forgive ourselves.  That's something I have yet to fully embrace as well.  Doesn't the mere mention of forgiveness bring a lightness to the heart?

I might read her book because I'm sure her book is much better and gives more insight into her story.  I think I need some kind of change in my life.  I can relate to how she felt at the beginning of the movie.  I'm not totally unhappy but not fully joyful if that makes sense.  Granted, I don't feel very close to God right now.  I don't know why, but my heart is so hardened against Him.  I'm feeling selfish and immature, and I don't know how all these other Christians manage to be so happy and mature.  Maybe I'm just in one of those phases where I look for happiness in other things except God.  It happens sometimes.

Come What May

I have not written here in a while.  It's already the end of May, and I've almost finished the second week of my rotations.  Man, eight hours a day for five days a week is tough.  I'm at Walgreens, working retail.  Today especially was a little tough.  I filled prescriptions most of the day, and it was so boring.  It was the longest day ever.  And on top of that, my preceptor was so patronizing.  Bah.  Enough of that.

Almost every day that I come home from rotation, I'm tired.  I also want some time to myself.  I realize that I'm an introverted person, and I need some time by myself to recharge.  It takes me a whole lot of energy to spend so much time with people, being busy, and doing work.  Extroverted people tend to gain energy by talking to people and spending time with people, but I am inversely proportional to that.  I lose energy.  So I am really glad to come home and be by myself, which I haven't felt in a long time.  Most of the time since starting pharmacy school I've felt the need to not be alone.  Then through some very difficult months, I've learned I can't just spend time with random people to fill a hole in my life.  I started to wonder if it was okay that I felt this way because God should fill me up.  He should be enough, and He is enough, but He also tells us that we were not meant to be alone.  We need others because we are His body, and I know that I need my brothers- and sisters-in-Christ.

At the same time, I know that I cannot spend too much time with people who don't know Christ.  I know how selfish and evil my own heart is- how much more selfish and evil is the heart of someone who doesn't have the Holy Spirit in them?  Then my next thought was about how I don't have that support here.  I was just starting to become closer to my lifegroup back in Amarillo, and then I had to move.  I've been here in Dallas for a year now, and I tried to get connected in a church, but that didn't really pan out.  I knew that I was in the wrong church, and God clearly showed me that.  I think I know what church I should go to now, but I'm a little scared since this church is smaller than I'm used to.  I guess I feel weird not being able to go to church and be anonymous if I want, but that isn't the life Christ meant for us to live anyway.  We were meant to be in community and really know each other.

The worship was amazing.  I felt the Holy Spirit move.  His presence was so strong during worship, and the music just spoke to me.  The pastor was okay, and this is where I'm debating.  I really like the pastor at another church, and this church is bigger but not necessarily better because the congregation is made up of Dallas socialites who think going to church on Sundays is something you have to do.  I shouldn't be torn.  I should just go to the church I think I should be at because I feel myself slipping.  I'm not around Godly people all day, and I know that I need to be connected to more people who love God and will love me.  I need someone to remind me of His grace when I forget it.  I need someone to tell me to read His word when I don't want to.  I need someone to be a tangible exemplification of His love and encouragement when I'm down.  Lord, please pour your supernatural, amazing grace over my relationships.

Frustration

So this morning I was supposed to see the dentist.  It was actually my friend's brother, but it turns out that they don't take my insurance.  Awesome.  And when I got there, the lady at the front desk tells me that I'm not even scheduled.  Even more awesome.  Apparently, the guy who took down my appointment wrote in another name that rhymed with my name.  I was just so annoyed.  He was so careful asking how to spell my street address but not my name.  Seriously?  If he had written down my name correctly, he would've been able to check my insurance, found out that they don't take my insurance, and I wouldn't have had to drive there twenty minutes and back.  I was really looking forward to getting my teeth checked out.  That was precious time I could've spent studying since I have finals coming up and all.  Ah, such is life.  C'est la vie.  [insert another cliche].

Speaking of frustration, I've been breaking out so badly.  It's the painful-to-the-touch type of acne, and although it's been a couple of weeks, it hasn't gone away.  A couple of them died, but then newer ones cropped up to replace them so the net effect is still the same.  I went to Ulta to get a concealer, but I wanted an all natural one so I decided to take the advice of the sales girl and try my mineral foundation with a concealer brush.  I tried it before, and it always seems to look too cakey, but this time I'll use moisturizer to sort of make a liquid paste.  Oh well.  This at least gives me the opportunity to try out new skincare items, which I really like.  I mean, I really like skincare.  It's weird.  It's a good thing I'm going to be a pharmacist.  I was thinking that if I worked at a grocery pharmacy or even Walgreens (but hopefully not CVS), I could help out so many people with their skin issues.  I know a lot of teenagers could use the help, but I guess if they're at the pharmacy, they're picking up some kind of prescription acne treatment.

Status updates

I just realized something.  I was talking to someone yesterday about how I don't like it when people have to broadcast every single thought that crosses their mind on facebook.  It's like, "Enough already!"  I don't need to know that you're going to the bathroom, going to the gym, or updates on the Mavericks every five seconds.  I also don't need married couples posting on each other's facebooks about how much they love each other.  Really.  You're married.  You should have each other's phone numbers.  Text one another.  I think it's fine occasionally but not everyday.  Not even every two days.  Everybody's had a baby recently so my news feed has been bombarded by baby pictures, which is fine because babies are cute.  Babies have that inexplicable cuteness factor that always draws you in.

So anyway, I realized that even though I don't put hourly status updates on facebook, I still put a lot of my personal thoughts on this blog.  I think it's okay though because it's not like a bunch of people read this on a daily basis like facebook.  Yeah, it's different.

I've been so tired.  I have presentations, exams, case studies, etc.  I feel like it's non-stop.  I want to get out.  I want to do something.  I want a life outside of pharmacy.  I really want to get involved with church again.  I want to have a close-knit group of friends like on Friends, people who really know me and love me.  I've had groups of friends before, but there was always something off.  They were all girl groups, and you know how girls can get.  And I feel like after I became saved, it's been even more difficult.  It's difficult enough to find some people you really get along with and can have fun with and have deep conversations with but adding on top of that a desire to be in community with other believers is tough.  I used to wonder how some people could be so close to others that were not believers, but now I realize that those people simply didn't care about who they were friends with just as long as they could have fun.

Well, I care.  I care much about having my closest friends be true believers.  My friend would always get upset about that, and I bet she still does.  She thinks people are people, and it shouldn't matter who you're friends with, but I know in my heart it does.  If I hang out with people who don't push me towards God, then I fall away.  It's simple.  I see it happen to other people.  There's no way to stay strong in your faith all by yourself.  You need God's help and the help of friends.  You especially need it when you're being a stubborn baby and don't want to go to God like me right now.  I think I'm still a little mad at Him.

Ironies & Oxymorons

These past couple of days I've just been feeling really upset.  Upset with my life and upset with God because I'm upset with my life.  Did that even make sense?

I am just heartbroken.  Before pharmacy school began, I envisioned for myself a great life: some really cool Christian girlfriends, lots of fun and laughter, and a facebook full of memories.  Instead, I got a lot of heartache.  First, this guy pretends to be my friend and strings me along.  He even says, "I care about you" when he really didn't.  He is undoubtedly the biggest jerk I've ever met in my entire life.  I've also never met anyone who could pretend to be a Christian so well.  He knows what to say and do to make people believe he's a Christian, but I could tell from the beginning he wasn't.  It's pretty obvious to a real believer.  Don't ever pretend to be someone's friend when your heart isn't in it.

Then, I meet this girl who seemed really nice.  I thought, "Oh, this is what I need after all that crap I just went through."  WRONG.  It was just the same crap rolled up in another package.  She actually gave me the same uneasy feeling I had when I was "friends" with the aforementioned jerk.  That should've been the warning.  I should've exited right then and there, but I didn't.  The really awesome fact about this girl is that she gossips like there is no tomorrow.  Between both of these jerk faces, I'm pretty sure they've told many people lies about me to cover their own asses.  I pretend not to care sometimes, but I do.  I want to let go, but I can't.

What am I supposed to do God?  I'm at the end of my rope.  In the past, I've read Psalms and found comfort in knowing that David felt the same way I did- forsaken, forgotten by You.  Even a couple of months ago, I could find strength in You and Your promises and feel fine.  But now, it's different for some reason.  It's hit me hard this time; my heart really aches.  I've tried talking to my friends, but none could alleviate this ache.  And I don't feel like having the same conversations with them that I've had before.  My sister always says, "If only they could see the real you.  Why don't you talk more?"  I talked to my friend today, and she told me what she always says.  She gave me ideas on how to initiate friendships.  Lately, she's been really busy with school and her new boyfriend.  I don't expect her to be there all the time because I know she's busy like I am.

If my life was recorded on a CD, I bet people would think the CD's messed up because it keeps playing the same thing over and over again- the same conversations over and over again.  Now, I'm just not really interested in faint conversations anymore.  I want something real and deep.  I wish I could talk to my friend Rachel right now.  She's my friend from high school, and we've sort of been able to keep in touch with each other over the years.  She is literally one of the most beautiful women I know.  We have so much in common. We both even came to know Christ through similar situations; we broke up with a serious boyfriend and that made us find Him.  I don't know how, but she always understood me, and I knew deep down that she really did.  She didn't pretend to or have to try to understand.  She just did.  She also showed me so much empathy and love and friendship.  And I always felt like God spoke to me through her.  My only grief is that Rachel isn't around so we don't get to talk much.

She always pointed me towards God, and I loved that.  It's exactly what I need because there are times when I'm weak, times when I don't want to turn towards Him, and times when I run away from Him.  That's when I need a friend like Rachel to turn me around and point me in His direction.  I only know of a couple of true Christians in my class.  There are others who purport themselves to be a Christian, but I don't feel the Holy Spirit around them.  I just don't feel that deep sense of peace, and it makes me question them.  Some I know really aren't, and some I just don't know because they're seemingly nice people.  Maybe they're just not super passionate.  Either way, I feel that some of them would want nothing to do with me.  Maybe they've heard rumors about me and judge me without getting to know me, but I guess it doesn't matter.  They don't want me.

I think about what little love I see in them, but then ultimately I have to think about what little love I show to others.  I should definitely take the big ol' plank out of my eye before I proceed to judge them.  And who knows?  They're probably very loving to other people, just not me because to them, I'm one of those fake Christians.  Fake Christian.  What an oxymoron.

Spring break in 2 hours...

Ok, I'm sitting in class again.  It's really hard trying to listen to this one professor.  He has that monotone, mumbly, old-man voice, which is a cue for go to sleep or shop online to avoid falling asleep.  I want to get to the cake part in my Helena story before spring break officially begins so here I go!

In our P2 year, I did really awesome in this pharmacokinetics class.  In fact, I made a really good grade on one of the tests in that class, and I was so happy about it.  Pretty much the next day, which was a Wednesday, Helena flat out ignored me.  We had lab together.  Ignored me again.  We actually had a fire alarm drill so we all had to get out of the building.  The P1s had to come out as well, and I saw Helena go up to Katie so I went up to Katie.  I tried to say hi to Katie, but Helena pretty much bombarded the conversation, moved around so her back was to me the whole time, and prevented me from really being able to say hi to Katie.  Awesome.  Thursday- ignored me again.  Friday afternoon- she decides to talk to me.  She asks if I want to go out to eat dinner at this BBQ restaurant.  I say ok.

What does she tell me?  Oh, news that anyone would love to hear.  This abomination of a French guy named Farouk apparently was spreading rumors about me that I had cheated on the test.  Yes, he sat next to me, and I almost felt like he kept looking at my laptop screen during the whole time we were taking the test.  I guess he really was looking at my screen.  She then tells me that the guys in the row behind me were telling her the same thing, mainly Tom.  Tom said he saw me open an Excel spreadsheet with answers on it at the beginning of the exam, but he didn't see anything during the exam.  Yes, I opened the same file that I use for everything- all my homework and quizzes were done in this one file, and I used a new tab each time.  I just found it to be easier to keep it all in the same place instead of having hundreds of separate files.  So, I did what I usually do.  I opened the file and made a new, blank tab to take the test with.

I didn't cheat at all.  I knew that material really well because I studied hard for it.  Farouk said he saw me flip back and forth between the tabs during the test.  Wow, time to get some glasses there, Farouk.

I didn't really know what to think; I may have been still processing the whole situation, but it probably looked like I was handling it well.  But here's the kicker: Helena told me that when she heard I had cheated, she cried.  She really cried.  She said she couldn't believe that I would do such a thing.  She cried.  WOW.  It made me think, "WHAT?"  Why would she cry?  After all this time, all the days we hung out, studied together, ate together, she still didn't know me at all?  After I became friends with Nick, I told him that I noticed he sort of ignored me too that day in lab.  He said he didn't know how to act, but even though he didn't know me all that well, he didn't really believe I had cheated.  Helena said she couldn't believe it and that she didn't know what to think or who to believe because all those people were telling her they saw me cheat.  Okay, then.  Come talk to me.  Ask me if I did.  Don't ignore me the whole week.

The next day I cried.

It was weird.  When evening came, I just started crying so uncontrollably.  I got on facebook and started talking to my best friend.  Helena started chatting with me, and when she found out I was crying she decided to come over.  I guess I really didn't care because I was just so upset.  In my mind, I kept thinking over and over about how I have NO friends, and it really hurt.  I don't know if anyone else has ever felt that way- to just know in your heart that you have no real friends.  Fake friends.  Fake, fake, fake.  Actually, fake friends is an oxymoron.  By definition a friend is someone you can count on and trust.  Oh, adjectives.  We have to add adjectives to everything.  Anyway, she did come over and said the most inane thing to me.  She said, "I'm sorry.  If I were a better friend, I feel like you wouldn't be crying like this."

Known

I don't know why I hold myself back.  In my case studies group, I am still pretty quiet and stuff even though I know the people in my group are pretty nice.  Is it that I feel like I'm being judged?  Is it that I feel like Tom (the guy Helena constantly texts) is going to relay the story to Helena?  Is it because I think I'm boring?  Is it because I feel like I'm not witty or funny enough?  Is it because people don't pay attention to me?  It's probably a combination of all of that.  Also, lately every time I get into my case studies group I feel sad.  I see how close two of the girls in the group are, and it just makes me feel sad.  I wish I had what they had.  They're roommates, and it seems like they're very close.  They make each other laugh all the time.  We have fun in the group, but it's just ironic that I would feel so sad in my soul amongst all the laughter.  Or, maybe it's expected because it's me.  I'm full of irony.

As a woman, I want to be known.  All women want to be known and loved and accepted.  I want the opportunity to know and love someone else back.  I'm not sure that I need lots of friends.  I think I would be happy with just a handful.  I get unhappy in class because many people don't seem to like me.  It could be just the personality thing- I can be real quiet and shy.  It could be Helena running off her mouth, telling people how she was just the victim and how I was cruel.  I was never cruel to her.  She was always cruel to me and my friends.  And by cruel, I mean that she was so amazingly fake to all of us, feeding us lies, making us believe she was a friend (or wanted to be a good friend).  Turns out if you get close to her, you get burned.  She will denounce your friendship.  It could be the Jeremy thing.  I have not mentioned Jeremy yet, but he was also a fake friend who really hurt me.  I bet he goes around telling people that he was just trying to be nice to me because I liked him, and he felt sorry for me.  News flash: I never liked him romantically.  Not sure that I even liked him as a friend.

I don't know why I'm in the situation I'm in.  My whole life I always found my best friend because she ended up being the girl that sat next to me in class.  9th grade: we had every single class together, including band.  10th grade: we were in band and student council.  12th grade: my boyfriend was my best friend, and we had band and couple of classes together.  College: I don't remember how I met my best friend.  My other friend I met because she sat next to me in organic chemistry.  It turned out that we had all the same classes that year.  In pharmacy school though, nothing turned out the way that I wanted.  I always ask God why.  Can't He see my heart and how it aches?  What was I supposed to learn from this?  And why are people so cruel?

The deal with Helena

At first, the stories came out innocently enough.  In class she always sat next to these two guys, Nick and Kevin.  I just realized these names are the same names as the Jonas Brothers.  Awkward.  Or, as I'd like to think of it, the same names as two members of the Backstreet Boys.  Okay, that's not much better.  I used to love the Backstreet Boys until Nsync came out, and then I totally loved Nsync.  I chose sides.  Nsync won.  Anyway, I thought she was good friends with Nick and Kevin, just like how everyone else in class thought.  They were always together at school functions and always sat together in class.

But, I soon learned that she was indeed not so close with them.  She would always say, "They're my brothers.  They're my brothers."  It made me think they were close, but that wasn't reality.  I was the one who always hung out with her and studied with her.  She hung out with them maybe on weekends and that was if she tried to get something together, almost forcing them to spend time with her.  She began to tell me how she actually wasn't close with them, especially with Nick.  Nick and her started to get close at the very beginning of pharmacy school, and then Nick started to pull away from her after he started dating Katie.  Helena said that Katie wanted to get into pharmacy school and needed some help with the PCAT or something so Helena told her to email Nick.  Helena also said that she thought Nick and Katie would be a good match so that's why she introduced them.

However, Nick started pulling away and talking to her less.  Helena even told stories about how Nick would ignore her because Katie told him to.  Since I was her friend, I thought Nick was just being controlled by his girlfriend, and I didn't really know what was going on.  I thought Nick was a bad friend because she made it seem like he just wasn't a good friend.  I even told her that maybe Nick and Kevin don't know how to be a friend.  Oddly enough, she always prefaced and ended these stories with, "Oh, but he's my friend.  I just get upset.  I don't mean anything by it.  I don't want you to think badly about him."  Really?  If you tell enough of these stories, it makes other people think badly about that person, but at the time, I was just trying to be understanding.  I do understand that sometimes people need to vent and that they don't really mean what they say.  It just took me a while to realize that she wasn't a good person who just needed to vent; she complained about everyone she knew.

To try to balance it out, she would talk about things she said that weren't good and how she knew they weren't good and maybe even how she felt badly or sorry that she said those mean things.  One time she told Nick to never ever talk to her about Katie again because she so sick and tired of listening to it.  Yes, she was always the victim.  Everything was being done to her.  It was everyone else's fault that things weren't going her way.  When I started becoming friends with Nick, it started strangely enough.  I noticed that Nick would make complaints about her.  I think at first I almost blew them off because I knew he was sort of a blunt person.  Then it dawned on me that I could talk to Nick about the complaints I had about her.  Guess what?  We had exactly the same issues with her.  When I started becoming friends with him I was already feeling down, wondering why this friendship I had with Helena was so darn difficult.  Was I doing something wrong?

I really tried being her friend because she told of how her friends always left her.  She would introduce two people that were friends with her, and they would both click with each other better and leave her out.  Her friends always left her.  That right there should have been the big warning sign.  LOOK OUT!  DANGER UP AHEAD!  STOP!!  RING THE ALARM!  But no.  What do I think?  Oh, poor Helena.  All her friends leave her.  She has no close friends.  Awwwwwww.  Well, boo freakin' hoo.  All those people stopped being friends with her because it was too damn difficult trying to be friends with her.  When Nick and I started comparing notes, we realized that she was a bad friend to both of us.  His reason for not being close with her anymore was because she got insanely jealous of his relationship with Katie and did some awful things.  To this day we don't know if Helena had some kind of crush on Nick or not because she still can't seem to let him go.

She was always gossiping about people in class, complaining about her "friends", was supernaturally loquacious to the point we couldn't study together anymore, discussed major family issues, had no problem preaching about her religion but huge problems living her religion out, and this was all just the icing on the cake.  I haven't even gotten to the cake part yet.  Sometimes when I talk about her out loud, I feel like it's just word diarrhea.  It just comes out running all at once.  It's dirty and messy.  It smells bad.  I've been conscious not to do it, but it slips out once in a while.  Next time I'll get to the cake part.

One more week until spring break!

Last week my sister came up to visit me and stayed with me the whole week since it was her spring break.  Suffice it to say that I didn't get much studying done, but I did have a lot of fun having her here.  I also got to spend some time with my awesome friend who's in dental school.  Yes, I'm using the word "awesome" now.  I think it's because my sister brought seasons 1 and 2 of How I Met Your Mother, and we watched it all week.  They say "awesome" a lot.  So I will too from here on out.

So, right now I'm supposed to be paying attention in class, but the professor is boring, and I've been ruminating on so many things I want to write about.  However, at the moment, I can't come up with...okay, I'll start with my friend Robert.  I recently saw the episode of FRIENDS when Mike finds out Phoebe has a rodent friend named Bob, and she yells, "Robert!" to get her rodent friend to come out.

Robert is pretty good friends with Helena, and since Helena predictably told Robert about what happened between us and why (according to her) we're not friends anymore, Robert and I discussed the situation.  What I like about him is that he doesn't judge; he wants to know both sides of the story and be friends with everyone.  On the other hand, he did do a lot of defending on Helena's behalf.  I think I need to lay down the basic story for now before I get into the discussion I had with Robert.

In the first semester of our P1 year, I had talked to Helena a couple of times, and I thought she was a nice girl.  One time on our way to anatomy lab, I sat next to her on the bus.  I saw her, and I was so glad  because she was nice, I wanted to get to know her better, and I didn't have anyone else to sit with.  We had a good conversation.  I found out she liked some of the same music I did, and she said nice things like how glad she was that I was there.  I thought that was cool, but she never asked to hang out or anything, which was weird. I really could've used a friend during that first semester of school.  Fast forward to January and pretty much out of the blue she called me to hang out.

We never hung out because a friend of hers was coming to pick up keys or something.  It wasn't a big deal.  Then later on that month, I went on this sort of pharmacy mission trip to this small town, and basically, the same thing happened again.  During lunch or some meal I ended up sitting down at the same table with her.  She wasn't particularly talkative, which was unusual since she tends to talk a lot, but she could've been tired.  I just remember during this trip she basically tells me that she was glad that I came, and we were sitting on a bus like before when she said that.  After that, we actually did end up meeting at Starbucks to go study together, but the chatterbox that she is, we didn't do any studying at all.  I didn't care because it was fun, and I felt like I had met a new friend.

We hung out and "studied" together a lot.  We were spending lots of time together and getting closer.  That's when the stories came...

Spilled spaghetti and other signs I'm losing it

Did I mention that for the past oh, maybe 4 weeks, I haven't been sleeping well?  I'm so tired that right now I don't know if those commas in the first sentence are in the right place, and it's not bothering me enough to look it up.  Maybe tomorrow.  I tried cooking spaghetti today, and it all wound up on the carpet.  Well, half the sauce wound up on my pale gray carpet and feet; the other half I managed not to spill, but it didn't taste great anyway.  So, I tried to eat the leftover Turkey Bistro from La Madeleine, but that didn't taste good either.  Pourquoi moi??

Today started out okay.  I was almost late in meeting my friend at 11am.  Early, I know.  I was meeting her because her seminary school was holding this missions conference all week, and she invited me to see this guy Afshin Ziafat.  He's the main speaker for the conference, and he spoke very well.  He spoke from the book of Jonah and told the story about when God first told him that he was to be an evangelical.  Ah, that word "evangelical".  It used to scare me.  I thought that to be an evangelical, I'd have to be some kind of missionary out in the field or someone who is just aggressive with the gospel.  Through time and understanding, I've realized that we're all called to talk about our faith and share the gospel with people who would otherwise never hear it.  Today I was so inspired just by hearing Afshin talk.  He grew up in an Iranian, muslim family who expected him to become a doctor when the Lord revealed to him that he was to go another way.

Lately, I've been feeling this strange desire to speak out and reach people.  The thought occurred to me, "What if I was on fire for God?  What if I was that person speaking Truth into the lives of my classmates?"  I would probably look like the woman I was meant to be, the woman God had wanted me to be all this time.  Come to think of it, what do I have to lose?  My reputation?  That's lost already.  Friends?  Well then they weren't my friends to begin with.  A huge part of me doesn't want to damage God's reputation.  I worry about what others will think because I know I've made many mistakes during the last couple of years.  I don't want God to look bad because of me.  But how crazy is that?  Is God, the creator of the universe, really going to look bad just because of little ol' me?  Isn't He way more powerful than me?  Doesn't He sit on the heavenly throne?  What part of that reasoning makes sense?  I'm just starting to realize that it doesn't make sense and that I'm missing the point about how God is SO much bigger than me.  God can take my mistakes and turn it all around.  He is in control.

Arg, there is so much I want to say, and this has started to become more like a diary.  I intended this to be my microphone, the platform where I could tell my side of the story for the past couple of years, and I wanted to start from the beginning, but maybe I will just let it be.  Let it be, let it be, let it be...not a Beatles fan?  Let it flow.  I think I'll just go with the flow of this blog.

Loyalty

So last night (I wrote this on Saturday) my friends and I were supposed to go to this Vietnamese restaurant to eat some pho.  This place has a buy 2, get 1 free deal for pho, which is good since there are three of us.  I was excited because I'm always up for eating pho; it's one of my favorite dishes.  So it was about 7:45 pm, and we were about to leave when Nick calls to tell me that Kevin sort of invited Frank, Tiffany, and Carmen.  Now, you're asking, "So what's the big deal?  Just more people, right?"  Uhhh...except for the fact that Tiffany and Carmen treat me terribly.

Tiffany usually just straight up ignores me.  No eye contact, no smile, no nothing.  Zip.  Nada.  Nil.  And I have no reason why.  One day she just stopped talking to me.  I never did anything to her or said anything about her.  Now Carmen, on the other hand, will talk to me occasionally.  However, she will never invite me to go anywhere.  Whenever she invites Nick and Kevin, she does it in front of my face.  She doesn't acknowledge my existence.  It's almost as if she thinks that Nick and Kevin are her friends and not mine.  She keeps trying to exclude me from my own friends.  Oh, and to top it off, she's in her late twenties yet she chooses to act like a child.  I just want to yell, "BE POLITE!  INVITE THEM WHEN I'M NOT THERE!"  Or accept that I'm friends with them and invite me too.

For some reason, my class is incredibly bent on excluding people, gossiping, and generally making others feel like crap.  There's no cooperative, inviting, warm environment.  It would be difficult to create one, but I think if it did come to realization, people would follow.  Maybe.

Lately, I've been really upset with my friend situation.  I've been crying and praying to God about my lack of friends.  I really wish that I had some girlfriends who genuinely follow God and will support and encourage me.  I want to be around some godly women that are kind, caring, considerate, and loyal.  Loyalty is so hugely important to me, if you can't tell by the title of this entry.  Loyalty implies trust.  Loyalty implies honesty.  Loyalty implies belief in the other person.  I miss having a group of girlfriends around me.  No, my experiences in the past have not always been good, but that doesn't stop me from desiring and hoping.  I try to think of all the reasons why God hasn't brought me these girls.  Maybe this desire is an alabaster box that I haven't broken at His feet.  Maybe God is trying to pull me closer to Him.  Maybe God is trying to teach me something.  I wish He would tell me what I need to do in order to get them.

A little weary

Man, I haven't been able to sleep lately.  I almost feel like a vampire.  I can't tell the difference between night and day anymore.  I think it's because I'm stressed about school.  I have two finals on Monday and Tuesday next week, and one of them is oncology.  So many cancers, so little time.  I wish I could learn faster.  Sometimes I google "how to study" in a vain attempt to discover something new and magical, some new learning technique I haven't tried yet.  To save you some time, many of the websites/blogs tell you the same things.  They're perfectly good skills, but nothing new.

I know that a part of me is just super tired from the not sleeping, but I do feel weak and weary.  I desperately wish that I had some Christian friends at school.  And I mean genuine Christians.  Most people believe that as long as you go to church, you're a Christian.  Wrong.  Others think that if you simply believe in God, you're a Christian.  Wrong again.  The devil believes in God, doesn't he?  In fact, he knows God exists.  He works against God and His people.  So does that make the devil a Christian?  Definitely not.  A true Christian (and it's sad that I have to add the word "true" in front of "Christian") is someone who believes with all their heart, mind, body, and soul that Christ died for them on the cross for all of their past, present, and future sins so that she could have a relationship with God and that Christ is God who came down to earth in our form.  Yes, the concept of the Holy Trinity is hard to grasp for me and for many people, but we're simply not able to comprehend it yet.  This is where faith comes in.  You have to believe and act on that belief, which is what faith is.

All that you have to do is pray to God that you believe in Him and Christ, and you become a new person.  You are no longer spiritually dead inside because the Holy Spirit (the third person in the trinity) comes to you and inhabits the place that goes deeper than your soul.  And according to scripture, God is peace.  He is the Prince of Peace.  And it's so true.  I feel God mostly through peace.  The way I can tell that someone else is a true believer is through sensing His peace all around them.  I think that's what I miss a lot in my school life.  I miss having people around me that I can just sit next to and feel peace.  People that are considerate, caring, respectful, and just plain loving because God's spirit lives within them not because they want people to like them or they want something from you.  People that won't be secretly thinking bad things about you while you're talking to them.  Before I was a Christ-follower, I always had negative thoughts in my head.  Always.  I thought, "He was ugly" or "She was stupid" or "This person's annoying".  All the time.

After I told God, "Hey, I believe in You.  I believe Your son died for me on the cross.  I want to have a relationship with You," I changed.  I became a new person with a new mind.  Those negative thoughts didn't plague my soul anymore.  I had no more thoughts like those.  Of course, I still notice things.  I still notice when a guy's cute and when he's not.  I still notice when people say dumb things.  I feel like I've fallen off the wagon a bit because I dwell a little more on the negative thoughts than I used to especially with Helena, the girl that used to be my "friend".  I should really cut her some slack because she has a lot of mental and emotional issues.  Lord, help me.

Letting things go...

So today I came to class early because I wanted to find a parking spot.  We have two campuses here, and because my case studies group meets at this one giant hospital where parking spots are tougher to find than a needle in a haystack, I got there early.  I sat in the lounge room, and things were okay.  The people who usually sit there are polite enough and will talk to me.  I'm kind of surprised by this one guy Caleb who I'm pretty sure hates (or hated) me because he's friends with certain people that I did not get along with, and I understand that he's going to take sides, but lately, he's been nice.  I'm sure he's always been a nice person, but until recently, he really didn't care for me probably due to lies he's been told by certain people.

After a while though, this girl Sherry and Joseph walk in.  I'm not even going to start on Joseph yet, but they were both in my case studies group last semester.  Sherry I pretty much met our first year, and I really liked her at first, and we seemed to get along when she started ignoring me for a while.  After that, I knew she wasn't just this nice little person everyone thought she was.  Even lately, she's been cursing up a storm on facebook, putting people down, and just being really negative.  Her pharmacy best friend the last two years of school was Sarah, and I had gotten somewhat close to Sarah.  Sarah basically told me that she helped Sherry out a whole lot when she was going through boyfriend/baby daddy issues and then was very selfish when Sarah needed a little help.  Of course, that didn't surprise me.

I waved hi to pretend-coy Sherry when she walked in, but she didn't seem very enthusiastic.  I tried to talk to her as well, but she wasn't very interested.  I'm pretty sure it's because of something Helena told her, and I'll get into the whole story with Helena later on.  I'm just a little hurt by people always believing in lies about me, and I have a hard time letting go.  Helena is this girl that I used to be friends with that is now not my friend because she did not know how to be a friend nor did she want to work things out.  Helena has been telling lies lately because she's so delusional- every time she hurts someone, it's nothing.  She might even say later that she was wrong and maybe even apologize because it was wrong and her god would not like it one bit.  She never apologized because she felt the need to, just that it was wrong according to her religion.  She's muslim.  Anyway, I feel like I just threw all these names out there.  I meant to continue my story, but I needed to release some of this.

Prayers work - no exam!

"Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven."  Matthew 18:19

I was about to cry today.  We were scheduled to have our second oncology exam, and I had barely gone through half of the new lectures, and our exam is cumulative so I hadn't even reviewed the old lectures, which I might add I really didn't know from the first test.  Thank you GOD for giving me a break, but I know many of my classmates were all praying for it to ice and snow today, and it did!

I might as well continue my story:

So my parents and I figured that it would be wise to move in about a week before school starts.  I got a one bedroom apartment in this relatively new apartment complex- it was only about 6 years old.  They didn't really have a lot of options so I ended up getting this huge apartment for just little ol' me.  It was actually fine when my whole family was there because we needed all that room, but for me alone it was too big.  I wish I had written in my diary more during that time, but I didn't.  I just read an entry I wrote in June, and apparently, I had gotten into a big fight with my sisters, and I really wanted to move out, go to pharmacy school, and start my life there.  Now that I think about it, I was in a really funky mood towards the end of the summer.

I think I moved in around the end of July/beginning of August because we had a orientation-type deal to attend that was only for new P1s.  First year students are called P1s (P stands for pharmacy).  I do remember feeling like I needed to leave.  I was annoyed with my sisters and my parents, especially my mom, because I felt like she was really controlling.  Everything we did had to be her way.  She had to control and micromanage everyone.  I was just getting so sick of it.  There was this unbearable pressure building up inside of me, and she was able to tell because one night she decided to blow up in my face.  She took me into my room and started yelling, not right away though.  No, she starts out asking me all these questions.  What's wrong with you?  What's with your attitude?  You don't want me to be here?  You think you don't need me?  You think you don't need your family?  Why are you not appreciative?  You glad that you're not living at home anymore?  She just got angrier and angrier.

I ended up telling her that I thought she was controlling everything.  It was my apartment, and I wanted to do things a certain way.  I wanted to decorate it a certain way.  I wanted to put things here and not there.  That was a huge part of why I was so angry with her, but I didn't tell her everything.  My plan was to move out here and forget about my family.  It hurts my heart to remember all this- I can't believe I was so selfish and silly.  I think I have a tendency to block out the negative memories.  The more she yelled, the louder she got.  I started to get really anxious about the neighbors hearing her.  I tried to appease her as best I could.  I just sort of apologized to keep the peace.  My mom has always blown up like this, and the whole time I was thinking that she just needs to get this over with.  That's how used to it I was.

I did try praying for her to calm down during her yell-a-thon.  And I don't remember exactly what happened, but she did calm down.  She threatened to leave with my dad and sister because she was supposed to stay here with my youngest sister for the first week of school so I could get accustomed to everything and be comfortable, but she decided to stay after I told her I wanted her to stay.  Wow, I think that's enough for today.  Time to eat lunch.  :)

I finally got out of my apt

Today the snow finally melted, and I got out of my apartment to go to Central Market.  I love Central Market.  Everything there tastes so good.  I think Whole Foods has better-tasting produce, but CM's produce is pretty good, and I can't complain about the distance to my apartment.  I can walk there in 5 minutes.  I actually had to do a second trip because the lady forgot to bag my coffee!

It just occurred to me that I should probably look back on my prayer journal and my diary to get a more accurate description of the events and my feelings.  I'll do that for next time.  I'm not writing today because I realized that I have so much to study for and catch up on, and since I've been sitting around doing nothing but watching movies and such, I have to get crackin'.  However, I will link my top 10 favorite chick flicks:

http://www.imdb.com/list/nPZaOKosrKw/

And if the link doesn't work for ya:  Number 10 is When Harry Met Sally.  I got lazy.

Snow Day - Day 4 Except Today It Actually Snowed

This morning I woke up and walked to my window, expecting to see a light layer of snow or just patches of it here and there since only an inch of snow was expected to fall.  I peeked through my blinds, and this white light hits me in the face.  It was just a big blanket of snow!  So beautiful.  I wish I took photography because I would love to be able to take beautiful pictures.  This was taken with my lovely iphone.

After I got accepted into my school, I also got accepted into another pharmacy school.  This one was so nice.  It was still new; it hadn't been accredited yet (meaning it didn't have the official stamp on it).  To be accredited, the school has to have graduated one class.  I really should have gone to this school.  It's so much closer to home- only about an hour, and my closest friend from undergrad just got into dental school in the same city.  We totally could've lived together and everything.  Another plus about the school was that the faculty was very nice.  Man, the two professors that interviewed me were so handsome, and the lady who took my photograph told me they were very nice gentlemen.  I hate how this world raises guys to be so disrespectful and cowardly to women.  I miss having gentlemen in my life.

The lady who took my photo was also very kind; she complimented me on my cross necklace and told me I didn't need to show my teeth when I smile because I have one of those faces that already look happy.  In my head I was thinking, "I think I look better when I show the top row of my teeth."  After that, I started thinking about my smile, and it spiraled into this subconscious hindrance.  I couldn't smile correctly because I was too occupied with what kind of smile looked better on me so all the photos ended up looking bad.  There's nothing worse than confusion and losing your confidence in something.

I feel like I would've done well at that school.  My friend has actually made friends with some girls from the pharmacy school there, and she says they're nice.  I know my life would've been totally different, and I would not have been through the same experiences I did.  I asked my parents where I should go, and they were being weird about the accreditation thing so they wanted me to attend my school.  Maybe I should've fought harder for the other one, but I didn't.  I feel like I didn't feel a real pull to either school- ok, that's a lie.  The thought did cross my mind that the beautiful boy would go to my school, and we'd be friends...or something else.  I didn't care what.  The two big pluses to going to this other school was that my friend would be there, and it would be super close to home, and somehow the boy, more specifically, the possibility of the boy weighed as much as these two pluses?  I was insane.  I knew I was being insane.  And since I was being insane, I decided to leave it up to my parents.  I feel that whenever I don't know what to do, it's best to seek my parents' advice because God will speak through them.

So, here we go.  Were my parents right?  I'm not sure yet.  The day I moved into my apartment in Marilola, I felt such peace.  I had a moment when I knew that I was in the right place at the right time.  That doesn't happen much.  So why am I unsure, you ask? Because of all the things that happened to me.    

Snow Day Part Deux

Well, there was another snow day today so here I am again.  My school likes to be a copycat so whenever the local ISD closes, my school decides to close too.  I just heard that the ISD will be closed tomorrow so chances are high that I won't have classes yet again.  As for rotations, my preceptor hasn't contacted me at all.  She might be super sick or something because it's not likely that she wouldn't even email.  Who knows?  Today I think I'll touch on the day I got accepted and stuff.  I would really like to get into the juicier stuff because that is going to be really cathartic for me, but I guess I need to go pick the lemons off the tree and cut them up before I try to juice them.  :)

See, there's this website where you can go to basically ask questions and find out information about applying to any of the healthcare-related schools like dentistry, pharmacy, etc.  I found out from there that it only takes a couple of weeks after the interview for them to make a decision about you.  So of course, I was checking the website nonstop, hitting the refresh button every five seconds.  Ok, no I wasn't.  I did check it every day though, and that one fateful day it finally read, "ACCEPTED".  And then I screamed.  I was in our study room, and my sister came in and asked, "What happened?"  I yelled, "I got accepted!"  I called my dad, and I told my mom when she came home.  It was a relief, but for some reason, I just knew I was going to get in.  It was like a feeling I couldn't shake off.  I'm sure it was just God giving me peace about this.

From then on, I was just like, "Whatever.  I'm already in!"  I was taking physics II at the time, and boy, did I let go of things.  I ended up doing really poorly in that class- so poorly that I was freaking out and crying on the floor until I finally called someone at the school, and she said that physics II was not a prerequisite so that grade wouldn't count.  In the acceptance letter, they tell you that your acceptance is conditional, and any grade less than a C won't be accepted.  I was so afraid that I'd lose my acceptance.

Well, I'm not really in the writing mood, and American Idol is on!  Maybe I'll add more later...

Snow Day!

It's 19 degrees right now.  I had no school, no rotation.  I do have a lot to do in terms of school work, but I'd rather post on this blog right now.  At times like these, when I'm snowed in and can't go anywhere, I wish I had a roommate or something.  It's just so darn cold outside.  Anyway, I'd better continue with the story of my interview day.

I must say my school has the most rigorous interview day out of all the schools here.  It's like they're trying to weed out the weak.  We were all thinking, "I did not sign up for this."  Well, at least I was.  I remember my actual interview with a faculty member and a P2 guy was a disaster.  I looked up old interview questions and formulated in my mind the answers and so felt somewhat prepared for this day.  What actually happened was they decided they wanted to try all new questions that focused on how the applicant handles group situations.  I am an introverted person so I don't really handle being put on the spot well.  I need a few minutes to formulate my answer, but I know our society expects people to be able to answer right away.  That's something I really dislike about our culture, but that's a whole 'nother issue.

I tried as best as I could to remember job situations, group projects, etc, but I really felt like I tanked.  I also don't think I talked very much during the group interview thing either, but the two professors that interviewed us were so laid back.  One said, "Eh, this part barely counts for anything.  It's ok."  Rumors said otherwise, but as I will point out, rumors are just rumors.  The other professor had some pretty blue eyes.  He was kind of cute.  And speaking of cute, I spent the remainder of the day trying to sneak a peek at the beautiful boy because sometimes when you just glance at someone, you don't really see them or your mind just fills in the blanks and makes them out to be better-looking than they actually are.  But alas, every time I looked, he remained as pretty as ever.  I even sat next to him during one meeting, and he introduced himself to me and the girl sitting to my right.  As he reached over to shake her hand, I turned my head down in order to not look at them, but I saw their hands connect, and as I witnessed that, I thought to myself that she was probably someone that he would be interested in- she was thin and blonde.

Somehow I found out the blonde girl went to the same undergrad university, and of course, I was excited because I attended there too.  She asked if I liked it, and I didn't have the best time the last year I was there so I responded not so enthusiastically.  After a few seconds, I realized I might've sounded really negative, so I added an emphatic, "But I loved my church there!"  It turns out, she went to the same church so that was pretty cool.  Why I didn't strike up a conversation with the beautiful boy, I do not know.  I think I was nervous, but he did keep asking to borrow my pen.  And, the girl and I were pretty into our conversation since we both went to the same undergrad school and all.

There was another girl I met whom I felt was really down-to-earth and humble.  She was just really nice and cool, and at the end of the day, we exchanged screen names.  We did keep up with each other for a few months, but she decided to go to another pharmacy school.  I really did wish she came here because she would've been a friend.  I know I couldn't have foretold the future, but I felt like this girl was genuine, not like the other girls.  The day was over, and my family came to pick me up, and we went back to the hotel.  Of course, I mentioned the beautiful boy to my sister, and she recalled seeing him get into his truck with another guy.  How can anyone not notice him?  Okay, I'm afraid of sounding way too boy-crazy, which I'm not, since I'm no longer a teenage girl still obsessed with Nsync.

The eve of an execution (oncology exam)

So, as the life of a pharmacy student is very busy, I have just now begun to write my second post, which ironically is the night before the first oncology exam.  But, it's okay.  I need a break anyway.  I was thinking about whether to write my story chronologically or just go with it and write whatever I feel that day, wherever my emotions take me.  My friend suggested to write chronologically, and it made the most sense to me; if anyone were to ever read this, it would be better understood this way.  Plus, if I were to read this again, I would better remember it this way, and sometimes I just don't like watching those movies that have scenes from the future at the beginning of the movie and vice versa.  So we'll start with the day I move to Marilola (yes, this is a fake city because I'm changing the names of everyone and everything).

I couldn't believe I was moving all the way to Marilola to go to pharmacy school.  What was I thinking?  This place was a good 8-9 hours away from home.  I could have chosen to go to another campus that was only 4 hours away from home, but when I was putting down my choices on paper, I hadn't realized that the other campus was only 4 hours.  For some reason, I thought it was somewhere far, far away.  I thought, "Oh, it'll be fine.  I'll go to Marilola for two years, and then I'll get to be in Sadall for the last two.  Sadall is only 3 hours away.  I'll be that much closer to my family."  What was I thinking?

I actually don't remember much about packing or anything.  I just couldn't believe I was moving to a town where I've only been to once before- for the actual school interview.  I do remember my interview.  It was a cold, wintry day in Marilola.  My home is a bit further south so even in February it was not too cold.  But in Marilola, it was freezing, I-just-wanna-stay-inside cold.  Lucky me, the only suit I had was a skirt suit that my Mom had picked out from Dillard's.  I was never interested in buying suits, but she insisted that one day I would need one, and I might as well get one on sale.  Yes, she was right.  It went really well with my lovely red coat from Banana Republic so I was pleased as punch to wear the combination.

The day before the interview, we drove to Marilola and checked into a hotel that was just a couple of minutes down the road from the school, which was very cool.  I knew a friend who interviewed at this school the year before, and she flew.  My heart was hoping my dad would say, "Yeah, it's too far.  You should fly, too."  Instead, I got a whopping, "Nope, we're going to drive!  Hey, let's make it a family trip!  We can go skiing after your interview!"  Great.  So we were all going skiing after my interview because a ski resort was just a few hours away.  I knew I was going to be so tired, but my parents insisted it was going to be a rare chance for us to go skiing.  I was like, "Yeah, sure."

The morning of the interview, I really didn't want to go to the interview.  I had to wake up early, and for some reason, I just knew that I was going to get accepted.  I felt like God had already signed the papers, and I was in because that's where I was meant to be.  Granted, it was an early decision interview, and I had heard that most people who applied early decision and got an interview pretty much got in.  The interview was just a formality to make sure you weren't crazy or something.  Looking back, I think I might've been dealing with some sadness.  I just lacked volition in my life, and that morning, it hit me.  I kept telling myself, "Ya know, if you don't do the interview, you can't get in at all" over and over again to get through.  So, my parents dropped me off, and I walked in pretty much as they were about to get started.  I barely signed in, walked into the waiting area, and then walked out because everyone else was leaving and I was still standing in the doorway like a roadblock.

I managed my way into a group of girls just standing around, perhaps pretending to like each other, when they're all really thinking, "I hope she doesn't get in because I want, no NEED, to get accepted into this school!"  I was, of course, a bit nervous and a bit excited but mostly in my own little world when we all heard this noise.  Some of us turned toward the front of the building, and I honestly can't remember why we all turned.  The one thing I do remember is setting my eyes on the most beautiful boy I had ever seen in real life.  When I turned back to the group of girls standing around me, my head was going nuts.  Inside, I was saying, "WOW."  It was like that moment on season 8 of Friends in the Thanksgiving episode, and Phoebe sees Brad Pitt for the first time.  She says hi so cursorily because she's pretending she's so into the football game, but when her mind finally registers the gorgeousness of Brad, she mouthes the words, "Oh, wow!"  She then told God, "Well done," which were my exact sentiments with this boy.

My first blog!

Yesterday, it occurred to me that I should write.  I should write about everything that's happened to me in the last couple of years and the next couple of years until I graduate pharmacy school because lately I've been feeling down.  This won't be for anyone but me.  This is something I need to do; there are some things I need to get off my chest.  And hopefully, when I look back on these times, I'll see that God was here all along, carrying me in the worst of times, celebrating with me on my little triumphs, and pouring out His everlasting joy.  I'm still growing and becoming the godly woman He wants me to become, and I hope that my heart will pour out a symphony.  (That's from a Phil Wickham song!)

I love this.  I sometimes feel as if He's just not here, not that He's too far away, but I guess it's sort of the same thing.