I have not written here in a while. It's already the end of May, and I've almost finished the second week of my rotations. Man, eight hours a day for five days a week is tough. I'm at Walgreens, working retail. Today especially was a little tough. I filled prescriptions most of the day, and it was so boring. It was the longest day ever. And on top of that, my preceptor was so patronizing. Bah. Enough of that.
Almost every day that I come home from rotation, I'm tired. I also want some time to myself. I realize that I'm an introverted person, and I need some time by myself to recharge. It takes me a whole lot of energy to spend so much time with people, being busy, and doing work. Extroverted people tend to gain energy by talking to people and spending time with people, but I am inversely proportional to that. I lose energy. So I am really glad to come home and be by myself, which I haven't felt in a long time. Most of the time since starting pharmacy school I've felt the need to not be alone. Then through some very difficult months, I've learned I can't just spend time with random people to fill a hole in my life. I started to wonder if it was okay that I felt this way because God should fill me up. He should be enough, and He is enough, but He also tells us that we were not meant to be alone. We need others because we are His body, and I know that I need my brothers- and sisters-in-Christ.
At the same time, I know that I cannot spend too much time with people who don't know Christ. I know how selfish and evil my own heart is- how much more selfish and evil is the heart of someone who doesn't have the Holy Spirit in them? Then my next thought was about how I don't have that support here. I was just starting to become closer to my lifegroup back in Amarillo, and then I had to move. I've been here in Dallas for a year now, and I tried to get connected in a church, but that didn't really pan out. I knew that I was in the wrong church, and God clearly showed me that. I think I know what church I should go to now, but I'm a little scared since this church is smaller than I'm used to. I guess I feel weird not being able to go to church and be anonymous if I want, but that isn't the life Christ meant for us to live anyway. We were meant to be in community and really know each other.
The worship was amazing. I felt the Holy Spirit move. His presence was so strong during worship, and the music just spoke to me. The pastor was okay, and this is where I'm debating. I really like the pastor at another church, and this church is bigger but not necessarily better because the congregation is made up of Dallas socialites who think going to church on Sundays is something you have to do. I shouldn't be torn. I should just go to the church I think I should be at because I feel myself slipping. I'm not around Godly people all day, and I know that I need to be connected to more people who love God and will love me. I need someone to remind me of His grace when I forget it. I need someone to tell me to read His word when I don't want to. I need someone to be a tangible exemplification of His love and encouragement when I'm down. Lord, please pour your supernatural, amazing grace over my relationships.
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