A little weary

Man, I haven't been able to sleep lately.  I almost feel like a vampire.  I can't tell the difference between night and day anymore.  I think it's because I'm stressed about school.  I have two finals on Monday and Tuesday next week, and one of them is oncology.  So many cancers, so little time.  I wish I could learn faster.  Sometimes I google "how to study" in a vain attempt to discover something new and magical, some new learning technique I haven't tried yet.  To save you some time, many of the websites/blogs tell you the same things.  They're perfectly good skills, but nothing new.

I know that a part of me is just super tired from the not sleeping, but I do feel weak and weary.  I desperately wish that I had some Christian friends at school.  And I mean genuine Christians.  Most people believe that as long as you go to church, you're a Christian.  Wrong.  Others think that if you simply believe in God, you're a Christian.  Wrong again.  The devil believes in God, doesn't he?  In fact, he knows God exists.  He works against God and His people.  So does that make the devil a Christian?  Definitely not.  A true Christian (and it's sad that I have to add the word "true" in front of "Christian") is someone who believes with all their heart, mind, body, and soul that Christ died for them on the cross for all of their past, present, and future sins so that she could have a relationship with God and that Christ is God who came down to earth in our form.  Yes, the concept of the Holy Trinity is hard to grasp for me and for many people, but we're simply not able to comprehend it yet.  This is where faith comes in.  You have to believe and act on that belief, which is what faith is.

All that you have to do is pray to God that you believe in Him and Christ, and you become a new person.  You are no longer spiritually dead inside because the Holy Spirit (the third person in the trinity) comes to you and inhabits the place that goes deeper than your soul.  And according to scripture, God is peace.  He is the Prince of Peace.  And it's so true.  I feel God mostly through peace.  The way I can tell that someone else is a true believer is through sensing His peace all around them.  I think that's what I miss a lot in my school life.  I miss having people around me that I can just sit next to and feel peace.  People that are considerate, caring, respectful, and just plain loving because God's spirit lives within them not because they want people to like them or they want something from you.  People that won't be secretly thinking bad things about you while you're talking to them.  Before I was a Christ-follower, I always had negative thoughts in my head.  Always.  I thought, "He was ugly" or "She was stupid" or "This person's annoying".  All the time.

After I told God, "Hey, I believe in You.  I believe Your son died for me on the cross.  I want to have a relationship with You," I changed.  I became a new person with a new mind.  Those negative thoughts didn't plague my soul anymore.  I had no more thoughts like those.  Of course, I still notice things.  I still notice when a guy's cute and when he's not.  I still notice when people say dumb things.  I feel like I've fallen off the wagon a bit because I dwell a little more on the negative thoughts than I used to especially with Helena, the girl that used to be my "friend".  I should really cut her some slack because she has a lot of mental and emotional issues.  Lord, help me.

Letting things go...

So today I came to class early because I wanted to find a parking spot.  We have two campuses here, and because my case studies group meets at this one giant hospital where parking spots are tougher to find than a needle in a haystack, I got there early.  I sat in the lounge room, and things were okay.  The people who usually sit there are polite enough and will talk to me.  I'm kind of surprised by this one guy Caleb who I'm pretty sure hates (or hated) me because he's friends with certain people that I did not get along with, and I understand that he's going to take sides, but lately, he's been nice.  I'm sure he's always been a nice person, but until recently, he really didn't care for me probably due to lies he's been told by certain people.

After a while though, this girl Sherry and Joseph walk in.  I'm not even going to start on Joseph yet, but they were both in my case studies group last semester.  Sherry I pretty much met our first year, and I really liked her at first, and we seemed to get along when she started ignoring me for a while.  After that, I knew she wasn't just this nice little person everyone thought she was.  Even lately, she's been cursing up a storm on facebook, putting people down, and just being really negative.  Her pharmacy best friend the last two years of school was Sarah, and I had gotten somewhat close to Sarah.  Sarah basically told me that she helped Sherry out a whole lot when she was going through boyfriend/baby daddy issues and then was very selfish when Sarah needed a little help.  Of course, that didn't surprise me.

I waved hi to pretend-coy Sherry when she walked in, but she didn't seem very enthusiastic.  I tried to talk to her as well, but she wasn't very interested.  I'm pretty sure it's because of something Helena told her, and I'll get into the whole story with Helena later on.  I'm just a little hurt by people always believing in lies about me, and I have a hard time letting go.  Helena is this girl that I used to be friends with that is now not my friend because she did not know how to be a friend nor did she want to work things out.  Helena has been telling lies lately because she's so delusional- every time she hurts someone, it's nothing.  She might even say later that she was wrong and maybe even apologize because it was wrong and her god would not like it one bit.  She never apologized because she felt the need to, just that it was wrong according to her religion.  She's muslim.  Anyway, I feel like I just threw all these names out there.  I meant to continue my story, but I needed to release some of this.

Prayers work - no exam!

"Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven."  Matthew 18:19

I was about to cry today.  We were scheduled to have our second oncology exam, and I had barely gone through half of the new lectures, and our exam is cumulative so I hadn't even reviewed the old lectures, which I might add I really didn't know from the first test.  Thank you GOD for giving me a break, but I know many of my classmates were all praying for it to ice and snow today, and it did!

I might as well continue my story:

So my parents and I figured that it would be wise to move in about a week before school starts.  I got a one bedroom apartment in this relatively new apartment complex- it was only about 6 years old.  They didn't really have a lot of options so I ended up getting this huge apartment for just little ol' me.  It was actually fine when my whole family was there because we needed all that room, but for me alone it was too big.  I wish I had written in my diary more during that time, but I didn't.  I just read an entry I wrote in June, and apparently, I had gotten into a big fight with my sisters, and I really wanted to move out, go to pharmacy school, and start my life there.  Now that I think about it, I was in a really funky mood towards the end of the summer.

I think I moved in around the end of July/beginning of August because we had a orientation-type deal to attend that was only for new P1s.  First year students are called P1s (P stands for pharmacy).  I do remember feeling like I needed to leave.  I was annoyed with my sisters and my parents, especially my mom, because I felt like she was really controlling.  Everything we did had to be her way.  She had to control and micromanage everyone.  I was just getting so sick of it.  There was this unbearable pressure building up inside of me, and she was able to tell because one night she decided to blow up in my face.  She took me into my room and started yelling, not right away though.  No, she starts out asking me all these questions.  What's wrong with you?  What's with your attitude?  You don't want me to be here?  You think you don't need me?  You think you don't need your family?  Why are you not appreciative?  You glad that you're not living at home anymore?  She just got angrier and angrier.

I ended up telling her that I thought she was controlling everything.  It was my apartment, and I wanted to do things a certain way.  I wanted to decorate it a certain way.  I wanted to put things here and not there.  That was a huge part of why I was so angry with her, but I didn't tell her everything.  My plan was to move out here and forget about my family.  It hurts my heart to remember all this- I can't believe I was so selfish and silly.  I think I have a tendency to block out the negative memories.  The more she yelled, the louder she got.  I started to get really anxious about the neighbors hearing her.  I tried to appease her as best I could.  I just sort of apologized to keep the peace.  My mom has always blown up like this, and the whole time I was thinking that she just needs to get this over with.  That's how used to it I was.

I did try praying for her to calm down during her yell-a-thon.  And I don't remember exactly what happened, but she did calm down.  She threatened to leave with my dad and sister because she was supposed to stay here with my youngest sister for the first week of school so I could get accustomed to everything and be comfortable, but she decided to stay after I told her I wanted her to stay.  Wow, I think that's enough for today.  Time to eat lunch.  :)

I finally got out of my apt

Today the snow finally melted, and I got out of my apartment to go to Central Market.  I love Central Market.  Everything there tastes so good.  I think Whole Foods has better-tasting produce, but CM's produce is pretty good, and I can't complain about the distance to my apartment.  I can walk there in 5 minutes.  I actually had to do a second trip because the lady forgot to bag my coffee!

It just occurred to me that I should probably look back on my prayer journal and my diary to get a more accurate description of the events and my feelings.  I'll do that for next time.  I'm not writing today because I realized that I have so much to study for and catch up on, and since I've been sitting around doing nothing but watching movies and such, I have to get crackin'.  However, I will link my top 10 favorite chick flicks:

http://www.imdb.com/list/nPZaOKosrKw/

And if the link doesn't work for ya:  Number 10 is When Harry Met Sally.  I got lazy.

Snow Day - Day 4 Except Today It Actually Snowed

This morning I woke up and walked to my window, expecting to see a light layer of snow or just patches of it here and there since only an inch of snow was expected to fall.  I peeked through my blinds, and this white light hits me in the face.  It was just a big blanket of snow!  So beautiful.  I wish I took photography because I would love to be able to take beautiful pictures.  This was taken with my lovely iphone.

After I got accepted into my school, I also got accepted into another pharmacy school.  This one was so nice.  It was still new; it hadn't been accredited yet (meaning it didn't have the official stamp on it).  To be accredited, the school has to have graduated one class.  I really should have gone to this school.  It's so much closer to home- only about an hour, and my closest friend from undergrad just got into dental school in the same city.  We totally could've lived together and everything.  Another plus about the school was that the faculty was very nice.  Man, the two professors that interviewed me were so handsome, and the lady who took my photograph told me they were very nice gentlemen.  I hate how this world raises guys to be so disrespectful and cowardly to women.  I miss having gentlemen in my life.

The lady who took my photo was also very kind; she complimented me on my cross necklace and told me I didn't need to show my teeth when I smile because I have one of those faces that already look happy.  In my head I was thinking, "I think I look better when I show the top row of my teeth."  After that, I started thinking about my smile, and it spiraled into this subconscious hindrance.  I couldn't smile correctly because I was too occupied with what kind of smile looked better on me so all the photos ended up looking bad.  There's nothing worse than confusion and losing your confidence in something.

I feel like I would've done well at that school.  My friend has actually made friends with some girls from the pharmacy school there, and she says they're nice.  I know my life would've been totally different, and I would not have been through the same experiences I did.  I asked my parents where I should go, and they were being weird about the accreditation thing so they wanted me to attend my school.  Maybe I should've fought harder for the other one, but I didn't.  I feel like I didn't feel a real pull to either school- ok, that's a lie.  The thought did cross my mind that the beautiful boy would go to my school, and we'd be friends...or something else.  I didn't care what.  The two big pluses to going to this other school was that my friend would be there, and it would be super close to home, and somehow the boy, more specifically, the possibility of the boy weighed as much as these two pluses?  I was insane.  I knew I was being insane.  And since I was being insane, I decided to leave it up to my parents.  I feel that whenever I don't know what to do, it's best to seek my parents' advice because God will speak through them.

So, here we go.  Were my parents right?  I'm not sure yet.  The day I moved into my apartment in Marilola, I felt such peace.  I had a moment when I knew that I was in the right place at the right time.  That doesn't happen much.  So why am I unsure, you ask? Because of all the things that happened to me.    

Snow Day Part Deux

Well, there was another snow day today so here I am again.  My school likes to be a copycat so whenever the local ISD closes, my school decides to close too.  I just heard that the ISD will be closed tomorrow so chances are high that I won't have classes yet again.  As for rotations, my preceptor hasn't contacted me at all.  She might be super sick or something because it's not likely that she wouldn't even email.  Who knows?  Today I think I'll touch on the day I got accepted and stuff.  I would really like to get into the juicier stuff because that is going to be really cathartic for me, but I guess I need to go pick the lemons off the tree and cut them up before I try to juice them.  :)

See, there's this website where you can go to basically ask questions and find out information about applying to any of the healthcare-related schools like dentistry, pharmacy, etc.  I found out from there that it only takes a couple of weeks after the interview for them to make a decision about you.  So of course, I was checking the website nonstop, hitting the refresh button every five seconds.  Ok, no I wasn't.  I did check it every day though, and that one fateful day it finally read, "ACCEPTED".  And then I screamed.  I was in our study room, and my sister came in and asked, "What happened?"  I yelled, "I got accepted!"  I called my dad, and I told my mom when she came home.  It was a relief, but for some reason, I just knew I was going to get in.  It was like a feeling I couldn't shake off.  I'm sure it was just God giving me peace about this.

From then on, I was just like, "Whatever.  I'm already in!"  I was taking physics II at the time, and boy, did I let go of things.  I ended up doing really poorly in that class- so poorly that I was freaking out and crying on the floor until I finally called someone at the school, and she said that physics II was not a prerequisite so that grade wouldn't count.  In the acceptance letter, they tell you that your acceptance is conditional, and any grade less than a C won't be accepted.  I was so afraid that I'd lose my acceptance.

Well, I'm not really in the writing mood, and American Idol is on!  Maybe I'll add more later...

Snow Day!

It's 19 degrees right now.  I had no school, no rotation.  I do have a lot to do in terms of school work, but I'd rather post on this blog right now.  At times like these, when I'm snowed in and can't go anywhere, I wish I had a roommate or something.  It's just so darn cold outside.  Anyway, I'd better continue with the story of my interview day.

I must say my school has the most rigorous interview day out of all the schools here.  It's like they're trying to weed out the weak.  We were all thinking, "I did not sign up for this."  Well, at least I was.  I remember my actual interview with a faculty member and a P2 guy was a disaster.  I looked up old interview questions and formulated in my mind the answers and so felt somewhat prepared for this day.  What actually happened was they decided they wanted to try all new questions that focused on how the applicant handles group situations.  I am an introverted person so I don't really handle being put on the spot well.  I need a few minutes to formulate my answer, but I know our society expects people to be able to answer right away.  That's something I really dislike about our culture, but that's a whole 'nother issue.

I tried as best as I could to remember job situations, group projects, etc, but I really felt like I tanked.  I also don't think I talked very much during the group interview thing either, but the two professors that interviewed us were so laid back.  One said, "Eh, this part barely counts for anything.  It's ok."  Rumors said otherwise, but as I will point out, rumors are just rumors.  The other professor had some pretty blue eyes.  He was kind of cute.  And speaking of cute, I spent the remainder of the day trying to sneak a peek at the beautiful boy because sometimes when you just glance at someone, you don't really see them or your mind just fills in the blanks and makes them out to be better-looking than they actually are.  But alas, every time I looked, he remained as pretty as ever.  I even sat next to him during one meeting, and he introduced himself to me and the girl sitting to my right.  As he reached over to shake her hand, I turned my head down in order to not look at them, but I saw their hands connect, and as I witnessed that, I thought to myself that she was probably someone that he would be interested in- she was thin and blonde.

Somehow I found out the blonde girl went to the same undergrad university, and of course, I was excited because I attended there too.  She asked if I liked it, and I didn't have the best time the last year I was there so I responded not so enthusiastically.  After a few seconds, I realized I might've sounded really negative, so I added an emphatic, "But I loved my church there!"  It turns out, she went to the same church so that was pretty cool.  Why I didn't strike up a conversation with the beautiful boy, I do not know.  I think I was nervous, but he did keep asking to borrow my pen.  And, the girl and I were pretty into our conversation since we both went to the same undergrad school and all.

There was another girl I met whom I felt was really down-to-earth and humble.  She was just really nice and cool, and at the end of the day, we exchanged screen names.  We did keep up with each other for a few months, but she decided to go to another pharmacy school.  I really did wish she came here because she would've been a friend.  I know I couldn't have foretold the future, but I felt like this girl was genuine, not like the other girls.  The day was over, and my family came to pick me up, and we went back to the hotel.  Of course, I mentioned the beautiful boy to my sister, and she recalled seeing him get into his truck with another guy.  How can anyone not notice him?  Okay, I'm afraid of sounding way too boy-crazy, which I'm not, since I'm no longer a teenage girl still obsessed with Nsync.