"Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven." Matthew 18:19
I was about to cry today. We were scheduled to have our second oncology exam, and I had barely gone through half of the new lectures, and our exam is cumulative so I hadn't even reviewed the old lectures, which I might add I really didn't know from the first test. Thank you GOD for giving me a break, but I know many of my classmates were all praying for it to ice and snow today, and it did!
I might as well continue my story:
So my parents and I figured that it would be wise to move in about a week before school starts. I got a one bedroom apartment in this relatively new apartment complex- it was only about 6 years old. They didn't really have a lot of options so I ended up getting this huge apartment for just little ol' me. It was actually fine when my whole family was there because we needed all that room, but for me alone it was too big. I wish I had written in my diary more during that time, but I didn't. I just read an entry I wrote in June, and apparently, I had gotten into a big fight with my sisters, and I really wanted to move out, go to pharmacy school, and start my life there. Now that I think about it, I was in a really funky mood towards the end of the summer.
I think I moved in around the end of July/beginning of August because we had a orientation-type deal to attend that was only for new P1s. First year students are called P1s (P stands for pharmacy). I do remember feeling like I needed to leave. I was annoyed with my sisters and my parents, especially my mom, because I felt like she was really controlling. Everything we did had to be her way. She had to control and micromanage everyone. I was just getting so sick of it. There was this unbearable pressure building up inside of me, and she was able to tell because one night she decided to blow up in my face. She took me into my room and started yelling, not right away though. No, she starts out asking me all these questions. What's wrong with you? What's with your attitude? You don't want me to be here? You think you don't need me? You think you don't need your family? Why are you not appreciative? You glad that you're not living at home anymore? She just got angrier and angrier.
I ended up telling her that I thought she was controlling everything. It was my apartment, and I wanted to do things a certain way. I wanted to decorate it a certain way. I wanted to put things here and not there. That was a huge part of why I was so angry with her, but I didn't tell her everything. My plan was to move out here and forget about my family. It hurts my heart to remember all this- I can't believe I was so selfish and silly. I think I have a tendency to block out the negative memories. The more she yelled, the louder she got. I started to get really anxious about the neighbors hearing her. I tried to appease her as best I could. I just sort of apologized to keep the peace. My mom has always blown up like this, and the whole time I was thinking that she just needs to get this over with. That's how used to it I was.
I did try praying for her to calm down during her yell-a-thon. And I don't remember exactly what happened, but she did calm down. She threatened to leave with my dad and sister because she was supposed to stay here with my youngest sister for the first week of school so I could get accustomed to everything and be comfortable, but she decided to stay after I told her I wanted her to stay. Wow, I think that's enough for today. Time to eat lunch. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment