I just realized something. I was talking to someone yesterday about how I don't like it when people have to broadcast every single thought that crosses their mind on facebook. It's like, "Enough already!" I don't need to know that you're going to the bathroom, going to the gym, or updates on the Mavericks every five seconds. I also don't need married couples posting on each other's facebooks about how much they love each other. Really. You're married. You should have each other's phone numbers. Text one another. I think it's fine occasionally but not everyday. Not even every two days. Everybody's had a baby recently so my news feed has been bombarded by baby pictures, which is fine because babies are cute. Babies have that inexplicable cuteness factor that always draws you in.
So anyway, I realized that even though I don't put hourly status updates on facebook, I still put a lot of my personal thoughts on this blog. I think it's okay though because it's not like a bunch of people read this on a daily basis like facebook. Yeah, it's different.
I've been so tired. I have presentations, exams, case studies, etc. I feel like it's non-stop. I want to get out. I want to do something. I want a life outside of pharmacy. I really want to get involved with church again. I want to have a close-knit group of friends like on Friends, people who really know me and love me. I've had groups of friends before, but there was always something off. They were all girl groups, and you know how girls can get. And I feel like after I became saved, it's been even more difficult. It's difficult enough to find some people you really get along with and can have fun with and have deep conversations with but adding on top of that a desire to be in community with other believers is tough. I used to wonder how some people could be so close to others that were not believers, but now I realize that those people simply didn't care about who they were friends with just as long as they could have fun.
Well, I care. I care much about having my closest friends be true believers. My friend would always get upset about that, and I bet she still does. She thinks people are people, and it shouldn't matter who you're friends with, but I know in my heart it does. If I hang out with people who don't push me towards God, then I fall away. It's simple. I see it happen to other people. There's no way to stay strong in your faith all by yourself. You need God's help and the help of friends. You especially need it when you're being a stubborn baby and don't want to go to God like me right now. I think I'm still a little mad at Him.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Ironies & Oxymorons
These past couple of days I've just been feeling really upset. Upset with my life and upset with God because I'm upset with my life. Did that even make sense?
I am just heartbroken. Before pharmacy school began, I envisioned for myself a great life: some really cool Christian girlfriends, lots of fun and laughter, and a facebook full of memories. Instead, I got a lot of heartache. First, this guy pretends to be my friend and strings me along. He even says, "I care about you" when he really didn't. He is undoubtedly the biggest jerk I've ever met in my entire life. I've also never met anyone who could pretend to be a Christian so well. He knows what to say and do to make people believe he's a Christian, but I could tell from the beginning he wasn't. It's pretty obvious to a real believer. Don't ever pretend to be someone's friend when your heart isn't in it.
Then, I meet this girl who seemed really nice. I thought, "Oh, this is what I need after all that crap I just went through." WRONG. It was just the same crap rolled up in another package. She actually gave me the same uneasy feeling I had when I was "friends" with the aforementioned jerk. That should've been the warning. I should've exited right then and there, but I didn't. The really awesome fact about this girl is that she gossips like there is no tomorrow. Between both of these jerk faces, I'm pretty sure they've told many people lies about me to cover their own asses. I pretend not to care sometimes, but I do. I want to let go, but I can't.
What am I supposed to do God? I'm at the end of my rope. In the past, I've read Psalms and found comfort in knowing that David felt the same way I did- forsaken, forgotten by You. Even a couple of months ago, I could find strength in You and Your promises and feel fine. But now, it's different for some reason. It's hit me hard this time; my heart really aches. I've tried talking to my friends, but none could alleviate this ache. And I don't feel like having the same conversations with them that I've had before. My sister always says, "If only they could see the real you. Why don't you talk more?" I talked to my friend today, and she told me what she always says. She gave me ideas on how to initiate friendships. Lately, she's been really busy with school and her new boyfriend. I don't expect her to be there all the time because I know she's busy like I am.
If my life was recorded on a CD, I bet people would think the CD's messed up because it keeps playing the same thing over and over again- the same conversations over and over again. Now, I'm just not really interested in faint conversations anymore. I want something real and deep. I wish I could talk to my friend Rachel right now. She's my friend from high school, and we've sort of been able to keep in touch with each other over the years. She is literally one of the most beautiful women I know. We have so much in common. We both even came to know Christ through similar situations; we broke up with a serious boyfriend and that made us find Him. I don't know how, but she always understood me, and I knew deep down that she really did. She didn't pretend to or have to try to understand. She just did. She also showed me so much empathy and love and friendship. And I always felt like God spoke to me through her. My only grief is that Rachel isn't around so we don't get to talk much.
She always pointed me towards God, and I loved that. It's exactly what I need because there are times when I'm weak, times when I don't want to turn towards Him, and times when I run away from Him. That's when I need a friend like Rachel to turn me around and point me in His direction. I only know of a couple of true Christians in my class. There are others who purport themselves to be a Christian, but I don't feel the Holy Spirit around them. I just don't feel that deep sense of peace, and it makes me question them. Some I know really aren't, and some I just don't know because they're seemingly nice people. Maybe they're just not super passionate. Either way, I feel that some of them would want nothing to do with me. Maybe they've heard rumors about me and judge me without getting to know me, but I guess it doesn't matter. They don't want me.
I think about what little love I see in them, but then ultimately I have to think about what little love I show to others. I should definitely take the big ol' plank out of my eye before I proceed to judge them. And who knows? They're probably very loving to other people, just not me because to them, I'm one of those fake Christians. Fake Christian. What an oxymoron.
I am just heartbroken. Before pharmacy school began, I envisioned for myself a great life: some really cool Christian girlfriends, lots of fun and laughter, and a facebook full of memories. Instead, I got a lot of heartache. First, this guy pretends to be my friend and strings me along. He even says, "I care about you" when he really didn't. He is undoubtedly the biggest jerk I've ever met in my entire life. I've also never met anyone who could pretend to be a Christian so well. He knows what to say and do to make people believe he's a Christian, but I could tell from the beginning he wasn't. It's pretty obvious to a real believer. Don't ever pretend to be someone's friend when your heart isn't in it.
Then, I meet this girl who seemed really nice. I thought, "Oh, this is what I need after all that crap I just went through." WRONG. It was just the same crap rolled up in another package. She actually gave me the same uneasy feeling I had when I was "friends" with the aforementioned jerk. That should've been the warning. I should've exited right then and there, but I didn't. The really awesome fact about this girl is that she gossips like there is no tomorrow. Between both of these jerk faces, I'm pretty sure they've told many people lies about me to cover their own asses. I pretend not to care sometimes, but I do. I want to let go, but I can't.
What am I supposed to do God? I'm at the end of my rope. In the past, I've read Psalms and found comfort in knowing that David felt the same way I did- forsaken, forgotten by You. Even a couple of months ago, I could find strength in You and Your promises and feel fine. But now, it's different for some reason. It's hit me hard this time; my heart really aches. I've tried talking to my friends, but none could alleviate this ache. And I don't feel like having the same conversations with them that I've had before. My sister always says, "If only they could see the real you. Why don't you talk more?" I talked to my friend today, and she told me what she always says. She gave me ideas on how to initiate friendships. Lately, she's been really busy with school and her new boyfriend. I don't expect her to be there all the time because I know she's busy like I am.
If my life was recorded on a CD, I bet people would think the CD's messed up because it keeps playing the same thing over and over again- the same conversations over and over again. Now, I'm just not really interested in faint conversations anymore. I want something real and deep. I wish I could talk to my friend Rachel right now. She's my friend from high school, and we've sort of been able to keep in touch with each other over the years. She is literally one of the most beautiful women I know. We have so much in common. We both even came to know Christ through similar situations; we broke up with a serious boyfriend and that made us find Him. I don't know how, but she always understood me, and I knew deep down that she really did. She didn't pretend to or have to try to understand. She just did. She also showed me so much empathy and love and friendship. And I always felt like God spoke to me through her. My only grief is that Rachel isn't around so we don't get to talk much.
She always pointed me towards God, and I loved that. It's exactly what I need because there are times when I'm weak, times when I don't want to turn towards Him, and times when I run away from Him. That's when I need a friend like Rachel to turn me around and point me in His direction. I only know of a couple of true Christians in my class. There are others who purport themselves to be a Christian, but I don't feel the Holy Spirit around them. I just don't feel that deep sense of peace, and it makes me question them. Some I know really aren't, and some I just don't know because they're seemingly nice people. Maybe they're just not super passionate. Either way, I feel that some of them would want nothing to do with me. Maybe they've heard rumors about me and judge me without getting to know me, but I guess it doesn't matter. They don't want me.
I think about what little love I see in them, but then ultimately I have to think about what little love I show to others. I should definitely take the big ol' plank out of my eye before I proceed to judge them. And who knows? They're probably very loving to other people, just not me because to them, I'm one of those fake Christians. Fake Christian. What an oxymoron.
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