These past couple of days I've just been feeling really upset. Upset with my life and upset with God because I'm upset with my life. Did that even make sense?
I am just heartbroken. Before pharmacy school began, I envisioned for myself a great life: some really cool Christian girlfriends, lots of fun and laughter, and a facebook full of memories. Instead, I got a lot of heartache. First, this guy pretends to be my friend and strings me along. He even says, "I care about you" when he really didn't. He is undoubtedly the biggest jerk I've ever met in my entire life. I've also never met anyone who could pretend to be a Christian so well. He knows what to say and do to make people believe he's a Christian, but I could tell from the beginning he wasn't. It's pretty obvious to a real believer. Don't ever pretend to be someone's friend when your heart isn't in it.
Then, I meet this girl who seemed really nice. I thought, "Oh, this is what I need after all that crap I just went through." WRONG. It was just the same crap rolled up in another package. She actually gave me the same uneasy feeling I had when I was "friends" with the aforementioned jerk. That should've been the warning. I should've exited right then and there, but I didn't. The really awesome fact about this girl is that she gossips like there is no tomorrow. Between both of these jerk faces, I'm pretty sure they've told many people lies about me to cover their own asses. I pretend not to care sometimes, but I do. I want to let go, but I can't.
What am I supposed to do God? I'm at the end of my rope. In the past, I've read Psalms and found comfort in knowing that David felt the same way I did- forsaken, forgotten by You. Even a couple of months ago, I could find strength in You and Your promises and feel fine. But now, it's different for some reason. It's hit me hard this time; my heart really aches. I've tried talking to my friends, but none could alleviate this ache. And I don't feel like having the same conversations with them that I've had before. My sister always says, "If only they could see the real you. Why don't you talk more?" I talked to my friend today, and she told me what she always says. She gave me ideas on how to initiate friendships. Lately, she's been really busy with school and her new boyfriend. I don't expect her to be there all the time because I know she's busy like I am.
If my life was recorded on a CD, I bet people would think the CD's messed up because it keeps playing the same thing over and over again- the same conversations over and over again. Now, I'm just not really interested in faint conversations anymore. I want something real and deep. I wish I could talk to my friend Rachel right now. She's my friend from high school, and we've sort of been able to keep in touch with each other over the years. She is literally one of the most beautiful women I know. We have so much in common. We both even came to know Christ through similar situations; we broke up with a serious boyfriend and that made us find Him. I don't know how, but she always understood me, and I knew deep down that she really did. She didn't pretend to or have to try to understand. She just did. She also showed me so much empathy and love and friendship. And I always felt like God spoke to me through her. My only grief is that Rachel isn't around so we don't get to talk much.
She always pointed me towards God, and I loved that. It's exactly what I need because there are times when I'm weak, times when I don't want to turn towards Him, and times when I run away from Him. That's when I need a friend like Rachel to turn me around and point me in His direction. I only know of a couple of true Christians in my class. There are others who purport themselves to be a Christian, but I don't feel the Holy Spirit around them. I just don't feel that deep sense of peace, and it makes me question them. Some I know really aren't, and some I just don't know because they're seemingly nice people. Maybe they're just not super passionate. Either way, I feel that some of them would want nothing to do with me. Maybe they've heard rumors about me and judge me without getting to know me, but I guess it doesn't matter. They don't want me.
I think about what little love I see in them, but then ultimately I have to think about what little love I show to others. I should definitely take the big ol' plank out of my eye before I proceed to judge them. And who knows? They're probably very loving to other people, just not me because to them, I'm one of those fake Christians. Fake Christian. What an oxymoron.
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