Known

I don't know why I hold myself back.  In my case studies group, I am still pretty quiet and stuff even though I know the people in my group are pretty nice.  Is it that I feel like I'm being judged?  Is it that I feel like Tom (the guy Helena constantly texts) is going to relay the story to Helena?  Is it because I think I'm boring?  Is it because I feel like I'm not witty or funny enough?  Is it because people don't pay attention to me?  It's probably a combination of all of that.  Also, lately every time I get into my case studies group I feel sad.  I see how close two of the girls in the group are, and it just makes me feel sad.  I wish I had what they had.  They're roommates, and it seems like they're very close.  They make each other laugh all the time.  We have fun in the group, but it's just ironic that I would feel so sad in my soul amongst all the laughter.  Or, maybe it's expected because it's me.  I'm full of irony.

As a woman, I want to be known.  All women want to be known and loved and accepted.  I want the opportunity to know and love someone else back.  I'm not sure that I need lots of friends.  I think I would be happy with just a handful.  I get unhappy in class because many people don't seem to like me.  It could be just the personality thing- I can be real quiet and shy.  It could be Helena running off her mouth, telling people how she was just the victim and how I was cruel.  I was never cruel to her.  She was always cruel to me and my friends.  And by cruel, I mean that she was so amazingly fake to all of us, feeding us lies, making us believe she was a friend (or wanted to be a good friend).  Turns out if you get close to her, you get burned.  She will denounce your friendship.  It could be the Jeremy thing.  I have not mentioned Jeremy yet, but he was also a fake friend who really hurt me.  I bet he goes around telling people that he was just trying to be nice to me because I liked him, and he felt sorry for me.  News flash: I never liked him romantically.  Not sure that I even liked him as a friend.

I don't know why I'm in the situation I'm in.  My whole life I always found my best friend because she ended up being the girl that sat next to me in class.  9th grade: we had every single class together, including band.  10th grade: we were in band and student council.  12th grade: my boyfriend was my best friend, and we had band and couple of classes together.  College: I don't remember how I met my best friend.  My other friend I met because she sat next to me in organic chemistry.  It turned out that we had all the same classes that year.  In pharmacy school though, nothing turned out the way that I wanted.  I always ask God why.  Can't He see my heart and how it aches?  What was I supposed to learn from this?  And why are people so cruel?