Did I mention that for the past oh, maybe 4 weeks, I haven't been sleeping well? I'm so tired that right now I don't know if those commas in the first sentence are in the right place, and it's not bothering me enough to look it up. Maybe tomorrow. I tried cooking spaghetti today, and it all wound up on the carpet. Well, half the sauce wound up on my pale gray carpet and feet; the other half I managed not to spill, but it didn't taste great anyway. So, I tried to eat the leftover Turkey Bistro from La Madeleine, but that didn't taste good either. Pourquoi moi??
Today started out okay. I was almost late in meeting my friend at 11am. Early, I know. I was meeting her because her seminary school was holding this missions conference all week, and she invited me to see this guy Afshin Ziafat. He's the main speaker for the conference, and he spoke very well. He spoke from the book of Jonah and told the story about when God first told him that he was to be an evangelical. Ah, that word "evangelical". It used to scare me. I thought that to be an evangelical, I'd have to be some kind of missionary out in the field or someone who is just aggressive with the gospel. Through time and understanding, I've realized that we're all called to talk about our faith and share the gospel with people who would otherwise never hear it. Today I was so inspired just by hearing Afshin talk. He grew up in an Iranian, muslim family who expected him to become a doctor when the Lord revealed to him that he was to go another way.
Lately, I've been feeling this strange desire to speak out and reach people. The thought occurred to me, "What if I was on fire for God? What if I was that person speaking Truth into the lives of my classmates?" I would probably look like the woman I was meant to be, the woman God had wanted me to be all this time. Come to think of it, what do I have to lose? My reputation? That's lost already. Friends? Well then they weren't my friends to begin with. A huge part of me doesn't want to damage God's reputation. I worry about what others will think because I know I've made many mistakes during the last couple of years. I don't want God to look bad because of me. But how crazy is that? Is God, the creator of the universe, really going to look bad just because of little ol' me? Isn't He way more powerful than me? Doesn't He sit on the heavenly throne? What part of that reasoning makes sense? I'm just starting to realize that it doesn't make sense and that I'm missing the point about how God is SO much bigger than me. God can take my mistakes and turn it all around. He is in control.
Arg, there is so much I want to say, and this has started to become more like a diary. I intended this to be my microphone, the platform where I could tell my side of the story for the past couple of years, and I wanted to start from the beginning, but maybe I will just let it be. Let it be, let it be, let it be...not a Beatles fan? Let it flow. I think I'll just go with the flow of this blog.
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