Foggy Days

Ok, so my oh-so-heartfelt endeavor to keep up with this blog has not been so great.  Once my real rotations began, I just haven't had time to keep up with this.  I have written some in my journal, and I don't know why I just don't write more.  Just write more.  I think it's something I need to do, but I don't do it.  Sometimes I feel as if I'm not fully alive, and I understand that as long as I'm in this life, I won't be fully alive.  God has made it so that we're never fully comfortable and at "home" here on this earth living this life.  But sometimes I wonder if I'm just different.  I read this article about the different types of sleepers, and one of the types was someone who almost doesn't feel the difference between reality and dreams.  When I read that, I was just so like, "OMGOSH, that's me!"  I really truly almost don't know the difference between real life and dreams.  Sometimes I have really vivid dreams and sometimes my waking life is hazy like today.  Today was a foggy day, the kind of day that makes you wonder if this is real.

Currently, I'm on my oncology rotation.  It's pretty interesting, but I don't like the girl I'm doing this rotation with.  She freaking hates me even though I've done nothing to her.  Her best friend freaking hates me as well.  Her best friend is freaking evil and is the gossip queen of our class.  I really don't think she has genuinely kind bone in her body.  Of course, she feigns kindness to garner the affections of certain people and to of course get what she wants.  But is she selflessly, genuinely kind?  NO.  It's so bad that it makes me question the morality of anyone who gets close to her or thinks "she isn't that bad".  Really?  Really??  We just had our career fair, and this stupid girl freakin' ignored me.  She thinks she's so chummy with everyone.  I hate her uneven, honking voice.  I hate her maliciousness.  Anyway, I haven't been forced to deal with her so I'm not going to spend time thinking about her.  Or the people who are supposed to be my friends but aren't loyal to me because they think this evil girl is "not that bad".  I know division is something the Lord hates, but what is wrong with your friend showing a little loyalty?  I'm not saying go ignore her or anything, but should my friend be hanging out with her?  Playing tennis with her?  Texting her like she's his friend?  This girl that treats me like crap and who I've complained about numerous times should not be someone that my friend hangs out with or texts or calls.

Anyway, moving on.  One good thing was that I kept seeing this really cute guy in the pharmacy.  He works in administration.  I'm not sure if he's a pharmacist, but dang he's cute.  He held the door open for me, and I had the chance to really look at his face to see if he's cute, but I was self-conscious about my bloody eye.  Darn.  I still need to look for a ring too to make sure he's not taken.  Ugh, but I'm leaving the VA.  It's not as if this guy's going to make a move or anything.  Maybe I should just introduce myself.  Heehee.

Gettin' Serious

I realized on my last blog post that I wrote "I haven't written here in a while" and to avoid writing that again, I'll just say that I need to start getting serious about writing on here.  I do find writing very cathartic for me, and also, I just don't have a good memory.  I don't know if I can actually keep up while on this rotation because this rotation is in a small town, I'm living in someone's duplex, and therefore I do not have my own internet.  I guess it might be good to just try to write every week since I'll probably be a permanent fixture at Hasting's on the weekends to mooch off their free internet and connect to the rest of the world.

Since there's also no cable, I've been re-watching everything I have on my laptop.  That includes the entire season 6 of How I Met Your Mother, a couple episodes of GLEE, Twilight, and the pilot episode of Vampire Diaries.  In that episode, Elena and Stefan discover that they both like to write in journals.  Stefan remarks that he doesn't have the best memory and that memories are important so that's why he writes in his journal.  That to me is inspiring because those are the reasons why I need to keep up with this blog.  I do want to maybe print it out in the future as my "journal" of my pharmacy school times or whatever.  I do like the feel of having a real journal in my hand so I might just switch eventually, but for now, this is good.

Also, just watching all these episodes of HIMYM makes me wonder how this guy can recall the entire story of how he met his wife in so much detail.  I'm sure no one really can unless they kept a diary.  I do want to tell my children one day the whole story of my life, how I met their father, etc.  I'm 25, and I think I need to realize that I need to live my life instead of acting like the 65-year-old that I think I am.  This show makes me realize that the 20s and 30s of anyone's life are some of the craziest, most wonderful times in someone's life.  I guess I'm having myself a little epiphany here.  I'm having so many revelations lately.  I will endeavor to write them all down as they come.

I also watched Eat, Pray, Love because I've been sick so I stayed in bed all day yesterday.  I'm still not totally better, which is unusual, since I can get better once I just give myself a full day's rest.  Anyway, I see why women like it now.  The movie was good, and I found the message of it very pertinent and very inspiring to me.  Liz was so unhappy with her life, and she decided to change it.  She decided to search for whatever was missing in her life.  I know that part of that was a search for God.  She didn't find God and kept searching for God in all these different religions and cultures, which I didn't like, but I guess it was good that she realized He was missing in her life.  I found writers to be deeply introspective, and there is a real possibility that her search doesn't end with this.

On the other hand, some of the things she discovered about how to live life are things that God told us to do.  For example, forgiveness was a huge part of her story and is the reason why Jesus came to us.  Forgiveness is  so huge, and yet, we don't know how to do it.  We don't know how to forgive others and forgive ourselves.  That's something I have yet to fully embrace as well.  Doesn't the mere mention of forgiveness bring a lightness to the heart?

I might read her book because I'm sure her book is much better and gives more insight into her story.  I think I need some kind of change in my life.  I can relate to how she felt at the beginning of the movie.  I'm not totally unhappy but not fully joyful if that makes sense.  Granted, I don't feel very close to God right now.  I don't know why, but my heart is so hardened against Him.  I'm feeling selfish and immature, and I don't know how all these other Christians manage to be so happy and mature.  Maybe I'm just in one of those phases where I look for happiness in other things except God.  It happens sometimes.

Come What May

I have not written here in a while.  It's already the end of May, and I've almost finished the second week of my rotations.  Man, eight hours a day for five days a week is tough.  I'm at Walgreens, working retail.  Today especially was a little tough.  I filled prescriptions most of the day, and it was so boring.  It was the longest day ever.  And on top of that, my preceptor was so patronizing.  Bah.  Enough of that.

Almost every day that I come home from rotation, I'm tired.  I also want some time to myself.  I realize that I'm an introverted person, and I need some time by myself to recharge.  It takes me a whole lot of energy to spend so much time with people, being busy, and doing work.  Extroverted people tend to gain energy by talking to people and spending time with people, but I am inversely proportional to that.  I lose energy.  So I am really glad to come home and be by myself, which I haven't felt in a long time.  Most of the time since starting pharmacy school I've felt the need to not be alone.  Then through some very difficult months, I've learned I can't just spend time with random people to fill a hole in my life.  I started to wonder if it was okay that I felt this way because God should fill me up.  He should be enough, and He is enough, but He also tells us that we were not meant to be alone.  We need others because we are His body, and I know that I need my brothers- and sisters-in-Christ.

At the same time, I know that I cannot spend too much time with people who don't know Christ.  I know how selfish and evil my own heart is- how much more selfish and evil is the heart of someone who doesn't have the Holy Spirit in them?  Then my next thought was about how I don't have that support here.  I was just starting to become closer to my lifegroup back in Amarillo, and then I had to move.  I've been here in Dallas for a year now, and I tried to get connected in a church, but that didn't really pan out.  I knew that I was in the wrong church, and God clearly showed me that.  I think I know what church I should go to now, but I'm a little scared since this church is smaller than I'm used to.  I guess I feel weird not being able to go to church and be anonymous if I want, but that isn't the life Christ meant for us to live anyway.  We were meant to be in community and really know each other.

The worship was amazing.  I felt the Holy Spirit move.  His presence was so strong during worship, and the music just spoke to me.  The pastor was okay, and this is where I'm debating.  I really like the pastor at another church, and this church is bigger but not necessarily better because the congregation is made up of Dallas socialites who think going to church on Sundays is something you have to do.  I shouldn't be torn.  I should just go to the church I think I should be at because I feel myself slipping.  I'm not around Godly people all day, and I know that I need to be connected to more people who love God and will love me.  I need someone to remind me of His grace when I forget it.  I need someone to tell me to read His word when I don't want to.  I need someone to be a tangible exemplification of His love and encouragement when I'm down.  Lord, please pour your supernatural, amazing grace over my relationships.

Frustration

So this morning I was supposed to see the dentist.  It was actually my friend's brother, but it turns out that they don't take my insurance.  Awesome.  And when I got there, the lady at the front desk tells me that I'm not even scheduled.  Even more awesome.  Apparently, the guy who took down my appointment wrote in another name that rhymed with my name.  I was just so annoyed.  He was so careful asking how to spell my street address but not my name.  Seriously?  If he had written down my name correctly, he would've been able to check my insurance, found out that they don't take my insurance, and I wouldn't have had to drive there twenty minutes and back.  I was really looking forward to getting my teeth checked out.  That was precious time I could've spent studying since I have finals coming up and all.  Ah, such is life.  C'est la vie.  [insert another cliche].

Speaking of frustration, I've been breaking out so badly.  It's the painful-to-the-touch type of acne, and although it's been a couple of weeks, it hasn't gone away.  A couple of them died, but then newer ones cropped up to replace them so the net effect is still the same.  I went to Ulta to get a concealer, but I wanted an all natural one so I decided to take the advice of the sales girl and try my mineral foundation with a concealer brush.  I tried it before, and it always seems to look too cakey, but this time I'll use moisturizer to sort of make a liquid paste.  Oh well.  This at least gives me the opportunity to try out new skincare items, which I really like.  I mean, I really like skincare.  It's weird.  It's a good thing I'm going to be a pharmacist.  I was thinking that if I worked at a grocery pharmacy or even Walgreens (but hopefully not CVS), I could help out so many people with their skin issues.  I know a lot of teenagers could use the help, but I guess if they're at the pharmacy, they're picking up some kind of prescription acne treatment.

Status updates

I just realized something.  I was talking to someone yesterday about how I don't like it when people have to broadcast every single thought that crosses their mind on facebook.  It's like, "Enough already!"  I don't need to know that you're going to the bathroom, going to the gym, or updates on the Mavericks every five seconds.  I also don't need married couples posting on each other's facebooks about how much they love each other.  Really.  You're married.  You should have each other's phone numbers.  Text one another.  I think it's fine occasionally but not everyday.  Not even every two days.  Everybody's had a baby recently so my news feed has been bombarded by baby pictures, which is fine because babies are cute.  Babies have that inexplicable cuteness factor that always draws you in.

So anyway, I realized that even though I don't put hourly status updates on facebook, I still put a lot of my personal thoughts on this blog.  I think it's okay though because it's not like a bunch of people read this on a daily basis like facebook.  Yeah, it's different.

I've been so tired.  I have presentations, exams, case studies, etc.  I feel like it's non-stop.  I want to get out.  I want to do something.  I want a life outside of pharmacy.  I really want to get involved with church again.  I want to have a close-knit group of friends like on Friends, people who really know me and love me.  I've had groups of friends before, but there was always something off.  They were all girl groups, and you know how girls can get.  And I feel like after I became saved, it's been even more difficult.  It's difficult enough to find some people you really get along with and can have fun with and have deep conversations with but adding on top of that a desire to be in community with other believers is tough.  I used to wonder how some people could be so close to others that were not believers, but now I realize that those people simply didn't care about who they were friends with just as long as they could have fun.

Well, I care.  I care much about having my closest friends be true believers.  My friend would always get upset about that, and I bet she still does.  She thinks people are people, and it shouldn't matter who you're friends with, but I know in my heart it does.  If I hang out with people who don't push me towards God, then I fall away.  It's simple.  I see it happen to other people.  There's no way to stay strong in your faith all by yourself.  You need God's help and the help of friends.  You especially need it when you're being a stubborn baby and don't want to go to God like me right now.  I think I'm still a little mad at Him.

Ironies & Oxymorons

These past couple of days I've just been feeling really upset.  Upset with my life and upset with God because I'm upset with my life.  Did that even make sense?

I am just heartbroken.  Before pharmacy school began, I envisioned for myself a great life: some really cool Christian girlfriends, lots of fun and laughter, and a facebook full of memories.  Instead, I got a lot of heartache.  First, this guy pretends to be my friend and strings me along.  He even says, "I care about you" when he really didn't.  He is undoubtedly the biggest jerk I've ever met in my entire life.  I've also never met anyone who could pretend to be a Christian so well.  He knows what to say and do to make people believe he's a Christian, but I could tell from the beginning he wasn't.  It's pretty obvious to a real believer.  Don't ever pretend to be someone's friend when your heart isn't in it.

Then, I meet this girl who seemed really nice.  I thought, "Oh, this is what I need after all that crap I just went through."  WRONG.  It was just the same crap rolled up in another package.  She actually gave me the same uneasy feeling I had when I was "friends" with the aforementioned jerk.  That should've been the warning.  I should've exited right then and there, but I didn't.  The really awesome fact about this girl is that she gossips like there is no tomorrow.  Between both of these jerk faces, I'm pretty sure they've told many people lies about me to cover their own asses.  I pretend not to care sometimes, but I do.  I want to let go, but I can't.

What am I supposed to do God?  I'm at the end of my rope.  In the past, I've read Psalms and found comfort in knowing that David felt the same way I did- forsaken, forgotten by You.  Even a couple of months ago, I could find strength in You and Your promises and feel fine.  But now, it's different for some reason.  It's hit me hard this time; my heart really aches.  I've tried talking to my friends, but none could alleviate this ache.  And I don't feel like having the same conversations with them that I've had before.  My sister always says, "If only they could see the real you.  Why don't you talk more?"  I talked to my friend today, and she told me what she always says.  She gave me ideas on how to initiate friendships.  Lately, she's been really busy with school and her new boyfriend.  I don't expect her to be there all the time because I know she's busy like I am.

If my life was recorded on a CD, I bet people would think the CD's messed up because it keeps playing the same thing over and over again- the same conversations over and over again.  Now, I'm just not really interested in faint conversations anymore.  I want something real and deep.  I wish I could talk to my friend Rachel right now.  She's my friend from high school, and we've sort of been able to keep in touch with each other over the years.  She is literally one of the most beautiful women I know.  We have so much in common. We both even came to know Christ through similar situations; we broke up with a serious boyfriend and that made us find Him.  I don't know how, but she always understood me, and I knew deep down that she really did.  She didn't pretend to or have to try to understand.  She just did.  She also showed me so much empathy and love and friendship.  And I always felt like God spoke to me through her.  My only grief is that Rachel isn't around so we don't get to talk much.

She always pointed me towards God, and I loved that.  It's exactly what I need because there are times when I'm weak, times when I don't want to turn towards Him, and times when I run away from Him.  That's when I need a friend like Rachel to turn me around and point me in His direction.  I only know of a couple of true Christians in my class.  There are others who purport themselves to be a Christian, but I don't feel the Holy Spirit around them.  I just don't feel that deep sense of peace, and it makes me question them.  Some I know really aren't, and some I just don't know because they're seemingly nice people.  Maybe they're just not super passionate.  Either way, I feel that some of them would want nothing to do with me.  Maybe they've heard rumors about me and judge me without getting to know me, but I guess it doesn't matter.  They don't want me.

I think about what little love I see in them, but then ultimately I have to think about what little love I show to others.  I should definitely take the big ol' plank out of my eye before I proceed to judge them.  And who knows?  They're probably very loving to other people, just not me because to them, I'm one of those fake Christians.  Fake Christian.  What an oxymoron.

Spring break in 2 hours...

Ok, I'm sitting in class again.  It's really hard trying to listen to this one professor.  He has that monotone, mumbly, old-man voice, which is a cue for go to sleep or shop online to avoid falling asleep.  I want to get to the cake part in my Helena story before spring break officially begins so here I go!

In our P2 year, I did really awesome in this pharmacokinetics class.  In fact, I made a really good grade on one of the tests in that class, and I was so happy about it.  Pretty much the next day, which was a Wednesday, Helena flat out ignored me.  We had lab together.  Ignored me again.  We actually had a fire alarm drill so we all had to get out of the building.  The P1s had to come out as well, and I saw Helena go up to Katie so I went up to Katie.  I tried to say hi to Katie, but Helena pretty much bombarded the conversation, moved around so her back was to me the whole time, and prevented me from really being able to say hi to Katie.  Awesome.  Thursday- ignored me again.  Friday afternoon- she decides to talk to me.  She asks if I want to go out to eat dinner at this BBQ restaurant.  I say ok.

What does she tell me?  Oh, news that anyone would love to hear.  This abomination of a French guy named Farouk apparently was spreading rumors about me that I had cheated on the test.  Yes, he sat next to me, and I almost felt like he kept looking at my laptop screen during the whole time we were taking the test.  I guess he really was looking at my screen.  She then tells me that the guys in the row behind me were telling her the same thing, mainly Tom.  Tom said he saw me open an Excel spreadsheet with answers on it at the beginning of the exam, but he didn't see anything during the exam.  Yes, I opened the same file that I use for everything- all my homework and quizzes were done in this one file, and I used a new tab each time.  I just found it to be easier to keep it all in the same place instead of having hundreds of separate files.  So, I did what I usually do.  I opened the file and made a new, blank tab to take the test with.

I didn't cheat at all.  I knew that material really well because I studied hard for it.  Farouk said he saw me flip back and forth between the tabs during the test.  Wow, time to get some glasses there, Farouk.

I didn't really know what to think; I may have been still processing the whole situation, but it probably looked like I was handling it well.  But here's the kicker: Helena told me that when she heard I had cheated, she cried.  She really cried.  She said she couldn't believe that I would do such a thing.  She cried.  WOW.  It made me think, "WHAT?"  Why would she cry?  After all this time, all the days we hung out, studied together, ate together, she still didn't know me at all?  After I became friends with Nick, I told him that I noticed he sort of ignored me too that day in lab.  He said he didn't know how to act, but even though he didn't know me all that well, he didn't really believe I had cheated.  Helena said she couldn't believe it and that she didn't know what to think or who to believe because all those people were telling her they saw me cheat.  Okay, then.  Come talk to me.  Ask me if I did.  Don't ignore me the whole week.

The next day I cried.

It was weird.  When evening came, I just started crying so uncontrollably.  I got on facebook and started talking to my best friend.  Helena started chatting with me, and when she found out I was crying she decided to come over.  I guess I really didn't care because I was just so upset.  In my mind, I kept thinking over and over about how I have NO friends, and it really hurt.  I don't know if anyone else has ever felt that way- to just know in your heart that you have no real friends.  Fake friends.  Fake, fake, fake.  Actually, fake friends is an oxymoron.  By definition a friend is someone you can count on and trust.  Oh, adjectives.  We have to add adjectives to everything.  Anyway, she did come over and said the most inane thing to me.  She said, "I'm sorry.  If I were a better friend, I feel like you wouldn't be crying like this."